School for Dummies
by Realilly
Summary: Artemis is in middle school with OMG popularzzz! and sarcastic, slightly perverted girls, not to mention teachers that must be broken in. Ch. 9: Artemis hires Juliet's services for a dinner with Mssrs. Lipton and Strait & drama rises w chrissy and her bf!
1. The Beginning

**(A/N: This is my first Artie fic, okay? My new life goal is to have a story nominated for the Orion Awards! Any beta offers for future stories? Criticism accepted—no, requested! Enjoy!)**

Angeline Fowl woke up in the morning with two strong emotions upon her: the sense that she forgot something, and the sense that something exciting was going to happen today. As she opened her eyes slowly in bed, she smiled at the pleasant feelings. Being excited made her happy, and she loved to be happy. She had been happy pretty much full time ever since her husband had returned.

Pushing off the thick comforter and thin sheet that lay on top of her comfortingly, she had an urge to make breakfast for her son. Artemis Fowl I was no doubt gone to meet a client this morning—he had warned her of his absence yesterday.

The fact that he looked out for her so only increased the warm feelings already spread throughout her body. She felt loved.

Once in the kitchen, she scanned the refrigerator, shelves, freezer, and pantry for any edible substance she could create.

Juliet wandered in, rubbing her eyes wearily. Car Crusher had defeated Fearless Frog!! While a battle worth watching, it had dragged out a bit too long into the night for her liking.

Oh, the glories of wrestling.

"Juliet!" Angeline said brightly and cheerfully, turning to the grumpy teen. "Really, you don't need to make breakfast for us this morning. I'd like to contribute to the morning meal for a change!" she insisted with a smile.

Juliet winced inwardly. "Uh…I was going to just grab a bowl of cereal…"

"Oh, Artemis can wait for a while. A mother-son breakfast will do him good!"

"…for myself…" Juliet muttered, cheeks turning pink.

Angeline released a trilling laugh. "Well, would you like to join us? You're practically family, Juliet. Invite your brother as well!"

Juliet moaned to herself. She was hungry _now._ Darn Mrs. Fowl and her naïve ways! There was no way she could say no, she knew. The woman was as sensitive as a pebble. Although perhaps the problem was really that she was _too_ sensitive…that thought was pondered for a second, but then hastily discarded.

Nah.

"You go on upstairs and inform the boys that we will be having…" Angeline resumed scanning the area for food. Upon finding a box of Bisquick, she finished, "…pancakes!"

"Wonderful," Juliet muttered, the word dripping with sarcasm.

Angeline frowned. "Was that sarcasm, Juliet?"

"Of course not, Mrs. Fowl. You're such a great employer, what would I have to secretly complain about? Your lack of sensitivity for lower-class body-guards and their hunger?" Juliet forced a smile.

Angeline's peals of laughter filled the air once more. "Juliet, you should consider being a comedian!"

"Already looking into it, Mrs. F."

Angeline shook her head with a grin as the girl trudged up the stairs. "What a silly goose." Then, confronting her box of flour-like substance, began to whip up the concoction. Only with a few difficulties, of course…

"I wonder what the difference is between a tablespoon and a teaspoon…oh dear, there's a half-teaspoon, too!" she fretted.

But presently there was the faint aroma of pancakes—or at least, something _resembling_ pancakes—in the air.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………...

"Artemis, rise and…oh." Butler said, walking groggily into his employer's bedroom. Upon finding the boy already awake and typing away at the computer, he found no reason to finish the sentence.

Artemis turned around in his chair to face Butler. Butler saw a look on Artemis's face—a look of _what_, he wasn't sure, but a look of something, definitely.

"What is it?" he asked, concern etching lines into his face.

"I am worried, Butler. Something is wrong. Something is _different_."

Butler was immediately anxious. If Artemis was worried about something, it was worth worrying about. But rather than sound repetitive, he waited for Artemis to state what exactly was the matter.

"My mother, Butler," he whispered, his face somewhat pale. "She's _cooking_."

Butler couldn't help it—he laughed out loud. Artemis blushed, but an indignant look sprang to his defense.

"Artemis, your mother cooking is not exactly the beginning of the end."

"She's cooking _pancakes_, Butler. She never cooks. Juliet cooks. Horribly, but she cooks. And otherwise we do imported food. Caviar. Steak. Lobster. Or we go out to dinner! But now…pancakes? Something is up, Butler. She has something to tell me. Something big, presumably, but something she knows I probably won't like too much. That's why she's making pancakes. I'm _worried_, Butler!" Artemis stated, his voice growing slightly louder and more anxious.

"Artemis. Please. I'm a trained professional. I know when dangerous is dangerous—and this is not." At Artemis's steady glare, he sighed and added, "I'll even test your pancakes prior to your eating them. Though why your mother would try to poison you, I have no idea."

"I do not find your humor amusing."

"Perhaps that's why I'm not a comedian, but a bodyguard instead. For a boy whining about his mother's culinary skills."

Butler's barely subtle taunting did the trick. Artemis rose from his chair and walked past Butler, an icy aura coming from the angry boy.

"Trust me, Butler," he said evenly as he left the bedroom, "she's going to tell me something unpleasing."

Butler sighed, rolled his eyes, and followed his young master.

"Whatever you say, Artemis."

"I wish," he muttered.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Juliet! Set the table, please," Angeline called up the stairs from the door to the kitchen. Little did she know that Juliet, upon being dismissed from the kitchen, promptly fell back into bed.

"Juliet?" she said again. Still no response from the girl. Shrugging her shoulders, she decided that if she was going to make breakfast, she might as well do it all. But what had she forgotten? Angeline strained to remember. She had been excited last night…because of what was now lost in her memory…exciting…Artie! It had something to do with Artie, she remembered now…Artie…she sighed. Her little boy was so smart! And growing up so wonderfully…soon the girls would be calling him, if he didn't call them first! But wait…she pondered that for a second.

Artie went to an all-boys boarding school—how would he meet girls? Unless he went to a regular, _normal_ private school that was more…well, more normal!

And then it all came back to her, as she was placing folded napkins at each setting and positioning forks and knives on the other side of plates.

Dr. Lipton! He had recommended that Artie attend a more normal school! That was it…and Principal Jonathan Strait…it was all coming back now…

He had said there was always an opening for a particularly intelligent student. And if Artemis wasn't particularly intelligent…who was?

But Angeline suspected that Artemis would be unwilling to change schools, especially since he would be entering eighth grade.

She shrugged. This would enable him to have a social life, which even she could tell he didn't really have at the present. This would be good for him, Angeline was sure. She felt excited again!

"Artie! Breakfast!" she called. Artemis was already coming down the stairs.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"So…" Artemis started, as his mother was dishing out steaming pancakes onto his plate. He stared down at the floppy things like they possessed a contagious disease.

"So what, Artie, dear?"

Juliet snorted at the pet names, but hastily disguised it as a cough. Artemis glared at her.

"What is this all about?" he asked brusquely.

"What do you mean?"

He rolled his eyes. "What is _this_," he pointed to his pancakes, "all about?"

Angeline spoke carefully. "What, can't a mother make breakfast for her son?"

"Mother," Artemis leaned in, "Juliet is perfectly capable of making breakfast. Pancakes, toast, eggs with caviar, whatever we so choose. Drop this charade. What is it that you have to tell me?"

Angeline frowned. "I would appreciate it if you would not speak to me in such a manner."

"What manner?' Artemis asked, placing his napkin on his lap.

"With that tone of voice," Angeline replied.

"What tone of voice?"

"_That_ one, Artie!" Angeline's happiness was tainted for a moment, but then she remembered what she had to tell him.

"What do you have to tell me?" Artemis asked angrily, leaning in.

Angeline pointedly avoided his gaze. "Why don't we eat, and then I'll tell you."

Artemis knew that if he pushed her any further, she would become very angry. He backed down and began to cut his pancakes into long strips. Butler and Juliet were already digging in.

Artemis, seated next to Butler, inconspicuously nudged Butler. Butler looked up from his plate to the boy, mouth full of food, realized what he wanted, shook his head, and swallowed.

"Artemis," he said sternly, "eat."

Artemis rolled his eyes but reluctantly placed a small piece into his mouth.

He wanted to choke, throw up, spit it out, just get this horrible taste _out of his mouth_. This was some cheap batter from the market, not the freshly grounded wheat that was flown directly from Kansas.

What had his mother been _thinking_?

But seeing her beaming at him, so proud of her success made him feel a twinge of guilt at his plan to discard the food by dropping it into his napkin.

So he ate it. Forcing himself to swallow, he smiled meekly at her and faced another bite.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Half an hour later (and after many glasses of orange juice to wash down the unfamiliar taste), the pancakes were finally gone and Artemis was feeling worse than sick (in the nauseous way).

Juliet cleared away the plates, taking them to the kitchen to wash. Butler clapped Artemis on the back before moving to help her—Artemis's back hurt like heck, but knew that Butler was proud of him for not ruining his mother's happiness.

And he knew that now—once Butler and Juliet were gone—he would find out what was really going on.

"Mother," Artemis started.

"Artie," Angeline started, at the exact same time.

There was a pause, and then Angeline laughed.

"What is it, Artie?"

"Mother, what is it that you have planned for me?"

"Planned for you? I merely had a suggestion to make. A big decision you would have to make, but planned for you? I wasn't going to make you go…" Angeline was hurt.

"What is it, then?" Artemis made his voice softer.

A little.

"Well…" Angeline began, a smile lighting up her face. "I talked to Dr. Lipton yesterday…"

Uh-oh. Angeline had been talking. That meant trouble. And to Dr. _Lipton_? That ignorant, blabbing nincompoop? Things were about to get worse. Artemis's instinct had been correct—something was going to go wrong.

"And then I talked to President Jonathan Strait…"

_More_ talking. Wonderful. Wait…Jonathan Strait?

Artemis spoke slowly. "Isn't he the Principal of Jeffrey Middle School?"

"Yes!" Angeline squealed, glad that her son was catching on so quickly.

"You want me to go to Jeffrey Middle School?" Artemis asked, frowning.

"I talked it over with your father, Artie, and he agrees—your boarding school is very nice for someone with your intellect, but according to the teachers you don't pay attention in class anyway and spend your time instead daydreaming."

_Daydreaming about how to avoid situations like this,_ Artemis thought, but knew that it was no use—Angeline's mind was made up and so was his father's, no doubt. He realized he had no choice.

"Mother—do I have to?"

"Oh, Artemis, don't whine." She smiled. "You'll meet girls, and have friends, join some school clubs, get involved, get—"

"Get a social life, basically," Artemis finished for her.

"You say it like it's a bad thing." Angeline frowned.

Artemis sighed. "I'm far too busy at is, Mother. Don't get me started on all the things I'm currently working on."

"That's one of the reasons why you should go! You'll have less school responsibilities in your life, you'll be less academically oriented."

"Mother, I have no projects for school whatsoever right now. There was no summer work, and even if there was I would have finished it ages ago."

"Well…" Angeline had to think. "I still think you should go," she finished lamely, coming up with no reply.

"_Girls_ do not interest me. _Friends_ do not interest me. I have you and Father and Butler and Juliet and—" He almost added Holly, Root, Foaly, and Mulch, but instinctively he stopped. "And _clubs_ do not interest me. _Getting involved_ does not interest me, and the same goes for _having a social life!"_ he cried.

Angeline was disappointed. "Artie…are you sure? You don't want to go to Jeffrey High? I spoke to the Principal, and he sounded so _nice_…"

Artemis barely restrained the urge to roll his eyes. "So I should attend his school because he's so _niiiiiiicce_?" He dragged out the word nice in a cruel imitation of his mother.

"Well, no, not necessarily, but it all sounds so wonderful, dear…"

"Mother, many things in history have 'sounded wonderful', but look where they got us? Plastic, cars, money—they're making our world worse and worse with each day! You expect me to attend this school because it 'sounds wonderful'?!"

"Well then, _because_ our world is getting worse and worse each day, you should enjoy yourself a little! You'll have school dances and football games, plays and group projects, it all sounds so…so…" she paused to think of a simile to "nice" and "wonderful". "Just so lovely!"

Artemis sat in his chair, calculating. Then he reached his decision.

"It's obvious you won't be persuaded—and if I can't sway your mind, I most certainly can't sway Father's. It's clear that I will have to attend this school, but I promise you that I will hate every moment of it. Don't be surprised if you find me flunking classes or skipping school. I have better things to do than attend school functions and do other 'socially active' things. I have a life, but just because it doesn't fit _your_ requirements doesn't mean I'm a, to put it lightly, _loser_."

Angeline's mouth formed an "o" of surprise, but before she could call after him, he had pushed his chair away from the table, stood up abruptly, and marched up to his room.

Well, wasn't this day shaping up to be horrible—and it was only 9 o'clock in the morning!

………………………………………………………………………………………………

_Knock-knock_.

"Artemis? Can I come in?" asked Butler softly.

"Yes, I'm fairly sure that you can. However, whether you _may_ is completely different," Artemis snapped.

Butler, ever patient, tried again. "Artemis, may I come in?"

There was a silence. Then a weary voice—"Yes…yes, come in, Butler."

Butler opened the door slowly. "So…what did she say?"

"I was _stupid_, Butler. I _am_ stupid, and I _will_ be stupid, all because of _stupid_ Dr. Lipton, Principal Strait, and _stupid dances, clubs, friends, girls, and social lives!"_

Butler was taken back by all of this information revealed to him all of a sudden. "Principal Strait…" he murmured, then realized what was going on. "You have to go to Jeffrey Middle?"

"Yes," Artemis spat out. "Yes, I do, but I'm going to be horrible. I'll get myself expelled somehow, I _will_," he vowed.

Butler knew Artemis would get angry at his response, but felt that Artemis was being just a _tad_ bit unfair.

"What if…well…what's horrible about going to dances, joining clubs, making friends, meeting (and maybe even dating) girls, and having a social life?" Butler closed his eyes, waiting for the bomb to explode.

Artemis turned away. "Butler, my time can be spent _so_ much better than having to endure those trials."

"Artemis, having friends isn't having trials. Aren't we friends?"

Artemis paused, realizing the importance of this question.

"Yes," he conceded, glancing up at Domovoi, "yes, we are, old friend."

Butler smiled softly. "Well, what's wrong with making more?"

"What's wrong with only having you?" he shot back.

"Artemis," Butler began, "I am old, as you yourself just admitted. 'Old friend?' Yes. And keep in mind also that I am a bodyguard. _Your_ bodyguard. I could die at any time, and the fact that I am a bodyguard only increases that danger. I have made many enemies _completely_ unintentionally."

Artemis looked away, outside the window.

"Besides," Butler added quietly, "the fact that I must guard _you_, of all people, adds another factor." Artemis opened his mouth to protest, but Butler raised a hand. "My death will _never_ be your fault, even if I die taking a bullet for you. However, your plans do usually involve risky business transactions, crazy meetings with people of different races, and other intricately designed strategies.

"So I ask you once again—what's wrong with making more friends, if I, one of your closest, can be killed at any second?"

Artemis turned back to face Butler. "But…girls? Dances? This will not be another all-boys school. And I am completely uninformed about the opposite gender, besides the basic knowledge."

"Juliet?"

"She's older. She's a helping hand around the house. She's different."

"Captain Holly Short?"

"She's a different race, although she most certainly is the opposite sex."

"Well, perhaps you can view this as another dangerous setting to wriggle out of, like always."

"Butler, women are _hardly_ lethal."

Butler frowned here. "Artemis, many assassins are women these days. You underestimate them."

Artemis smirked. "They should get used to it. _Everyone_ underestimates me, and they usually end up fish food."

"Well, you underestimate them and maybe you'll be Juliet's little fish Flipper's dinner tomorrow."

Artemis rolled his eyes, but he smiled. "I'm in dangerous territory, though. I have no choice but to go, so—here, let's make a list." He stood up and began pacing.

"I'm listening, go on."

"All right. I have no choice but to go, so that's not a debatable point."

"You could forge letters from your mother and say you're sick, like before. While _really_ going on vacation to…I don't know…Porto Rico, or some place in the world."

Artemis shook his head. "No doubt Mr. Strait has researched and contacted my previous principals and headmasters—this will have to be from scratch. Completely new and original, unique work." He looked pleased by the thought.

"Uh-huh…"

"Butler, should I try and get myself expelled? It would be so simple…I'm fairly simple I wouldn't even last until lunchtime…"

"Your mother wouldn't be very pleased."

"She's never pleased with anything I do that I'm pleased with."

"Well, those things are usually illegal."

"Yes, well…"

"Stick with it for a while. You could actually become popular, you know."

Artemis snorted. "What a waste of time. Those kids are so desperate to be accepted by society that they actually pay brand name companies to advertise for them. Popular? Cool? Spare me, _please_, Butler."

Butler grinned. Artemis was so refreshingly different from everyone else he knew—his young master's words were almost laughable.

"And being the nerdy kid? Would you settle for that?"

Artemis paused his pacing. "Butler. Please. _Those_ kids are so desperate to be accepted by society that they can barely see the truth that's right in front of them."

"Which is…?"

"They're pathetic teenagers drowning in resignation, despondency, and despair. They don't realize that they're already accepted by society. Each school needs _some_ kind of loser."

Now Butler _did_ laugh.

**(A/N: So…what do you think? Bad? Horrible? Good? Okay? I WANT REVIEWS. What should I do better? Besides improve my writing by 1000 times. Yeah, I wish. But really…any thoughts, comments? Normally I don't make my chapters so long, but I actually like having them this length. Shorter just doesn't capture enough of the story, right? Right? RIGHT? Sorry…he he…REVIEW NOW, FOOLISH MORTALS, OR DIE!!! I'll go lock myself in a closet right now while I wait for your golden words of wisdom.)**


	2. Journal Entries

_Excerpts from the journal of Domovoi:_

Dear Journal,

A week until Artemis starts Jeffrey Middle School. He is furious now, constantly raging when his mother is not around. God help that boy, I can't help but smile when he is raging at me until his mother knocks and asks if everything is alright. His face instantly flashes with complacency, the very picture of a docile son.

I laughed aloud the first time that happened, three days ago. It was such a surprise to see him obedient, for once. It's just as a dramatic switch with his father, also - if anyone else had requested that Artemis attend this private school, he would have said no curtly, and where was his afternoon caviar on focaccia bread?

The mention of "school", "pencil", "calculator", or "books" sets him off on a long tangent, _especially_ the much dreaded..."uniforms". His mother once asked when he would buy them, and he exploded. Too far was too far, he shouted, and stormed off. I stammered an apology to her, expecting her to tear up, but instead she chuckled a bit.

"He's secretly looking forward to it," she insisted, and I could only shake my head in doubt and raise my eyebrows. She looked at me. "Can't you tell, Butler? He is nervous about being accepted. Poor lamb..."

I contemplated this thought, this motherly revelation. Perhaps she was right...however, the pet name was quite inappropriate as veal was being cooked for dinner as we spoke.

I sincerely hoped that Artemis wouldn't be butchered and seasoned in that new school and prayed for his well-being. I had a hunch that Angeline was correct in her assumption.

Uniforms, however, stupefy Artemis. He is shocked that he must wear them, when his daily attire is much more conservative and proper than the uniforms themselves. I am forced to plead with him when he broods about this, to simply respect the principal's wishes (here he interrupts that the title is actually "president" for some foolish, egotistical reason) and his mother and father's.

It is here that he has two responses.

First:

He gets emotional. His eyes stare at me piercingly, and I half expect them to swim in tears. "They are both back because of me. I wanted them back so I could have a _family_, Butler, but I did not want a _dictatorship_."

I do not have a reply. Am still thinking of one, actually...

Or, secondly:

He continues ranting.

"Who are they to order me around?! _Who do they think they are?_ Uniforms! I _ask_ of you, Butler, _why should I wear anything that a man with the name of a tea brand - a __**tea**__ brand!! - thinks will benefit me?!"_

Then I have no reply - but actions speak louder than words, and so I simply hand him two white pills to soothe his hysteria.

Foaly would _love_ to see this. Including Holly, and oh, actually Root too...

Not to mention all of Artemis's enemies...

Oh, hell, invite the whole world to see Artemis Fowl II - _the_ Artemis Fowl II - quake at the mention of Jeffrey Middle School.

Yours truly,

Butler

Dear Journal,

Five days have passed since my last entry, the most eventful of them all clearly being yesterday.

And what a day it was.

I suppose a bit of background would help. Jeffrey Middle School is an average sized school, but is more selective than other public schools, but with six hundred students - two hundred students per grade. And three days before school starts, an event occurs on the campus...

Book Day.

One hundred and ninety-nine of Artemis's peers, all crowded in an eager rush to catch up with friends, have their ID picture taken and yearbook portrait snapped, not to mention turn in forms (varying from medical to athletic) and purchasing all of the books listed on the paper that _should_ have been mailed to you with your teachers' names and class number also on it. Of course, Artemis, having been signed up late, had received no such paper.

And it didn't help that we had no idea where to go. Even with directions, we were lost. Completely and utterly lost. To Artemis's mortification, I asked a nice looking girl with black hair, black jeans with chains, a tight, revealing black shirt, and black gloves where to start. She looked me up and down and said she'd tell if she was paid. At first I thought she meant..._sex_ or something...but then Artemis waved money in her face and she said to go wait in a long line that must have had around 50 students - if not more - waiting in it. That was to have the two pictures taken, apparently. Artemis scowled the whole half an hour it took to finally be admitted into the building with ten other students. Once inside he immediately asked, rather angrily, I have to say, where he could find one of those papers. Then I realized that all of the other students waiting in line were holding theirs, the ones with all of the information on it.

The man was clueless. All he was supposed to do, he told us, was tell people to go down the hall and to the right, not the left. Artemis was practically quivering with fury as he glared at the man, who avoided the teenager's eyes. Finally he said that the people down the hall to the right might know what to do, but he was sorry, he was just a parent volunteer.

I thought Artemis was going to strangle him for a second, which confused me...me, the bodyguard, who's job it was to break people's necks was going to _prevent_ the _charge_ from doing it...?

Confusing, but ironic...

So we walked "down the hall and to the right" and those people were just as confused, but said that _the_ Jonathan Strait was outside, and so he should be able to help.

So we walked through a door and found ourselves outside again. Artemis quickly spotted the man (he had looked him up after finding out he was to attend here) and called him over.

Yes. Artemis Fowl called over the President. (Not Principal, remember!) Instead of just walking over. My eyes widened in shock but then I tried to look my toughest to make Artemis's "summons" credible.

He listened attentively to Artemis's gritted explanation of the "situation at hand", as he described it. Mr. Strait had his held tilted and nodded occasionally, leaning forward slightly with his hands clasped behind his back. For a second I could almost understand Artemis's frustration, and a sudden urge rose in me to slap this man.

Being the professionally trained bodyguard I am, however, I refrained by simply flexing my fingers.

He coughed when Artemis was done. Hate glinted in my charge's eyes, which I tried to cover up by coughing and nudging Artemis slightly. We made slight eye contact, during which I rose an eyebrow. He got the message, and also coughed.

Were we all sick or something?!

Anyway, when he returned his attention back to the man, his eyes showed much more resilience. Apparently he had Artemis's in his office, which he could go fetch while we perhaps waited in line.

Something flashed in Artemis's eyes again and I had to flex my fingers, but Mr. Strait left our presence unharmed.

It was a close shave, however.

So we returned to the line. We were about halfway through the line when he returned, paper in hand. However, he must have run out of the crisp white paper the others were all holding, because the paper he slipped Artemis was _bright neon pink._

Artemis almost tore it into shreds. "_What does he want from me, _Butler?"

I tried to soothe him, which was hard, because I was just as annoyed. But we finally took his pictures and left the building, and then walked up to the cafeteria, which was where there were long tables with different books on them. A lady there (who thankfully knew what she was doing) snatched Artemis's paper from him, went up and down the tables, grabbed some of the books, and then dumped them on him and handed me the paper. "Cashier's over there," she pointed. It took about two minutes at the most, thank God.

One Honors math book, check...one _Tangerine_ book, check...one _Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet_, check...two Science books, check...and one Latin text book and work book, check..._$126.00?!?!_

Artemis barely batted an eye, however, and handed over the appropriate amount of cash. I was astonished, but as soon as that guy placed the receipt in the bag I grabbed it, muttered a thanks, and we tore out of there.

We sat in the limo for a moment, just sitting there relaxing. After a minute, I moaned "Take us home..." and we were off.

Sweet relief. Beautiful rest & recuperation...

Yours truly,

Butler

Dear Journal,

Artemis starts school tomorrow. He is worried and has locked himself up in his room; I hear him pacing as we speak. It is so different from his usual demeanor that I can't help but wonder if this is all a charade, part of some ingenious new plan...? Perhaps he carefully, subtely planted the idea of going to this school in his mother's head...

Artemis has given me the day off tomorrow, however I think that I'll ask Juliet to trail him. He's been whispering up in his room...probably rehearsing whatever he'll say to cute girls he sees. I almost feel bad for him...

But then laughter irrepressibly rises.

Yours truly,

Butler

P.S. Birthday's in a week!

P.P.S. I think he likes that girl we asked for directions.

_An excerpt from Artemis II's journal:_

Holly & Root are in.


	3. Gotta Feel Bad For the Teacher

**A/N: Sorry if I confused you all – I think I wrote this story first, but it's not actually my first posted Artemis Fowl story. Just wanted to clear that up, lol. And I'm sorry it's so short, it took **_**sooooo**_** long just for me to crank this out. Thanks to reviewers! You get freshly baked chocolate chip cookies that are ooey-gooey in the center. XD**

_Deep breaths. Concentrate on getting to class. It's fine – it's natural to be worried – you don't need friends._

"Artemis?" Butler asked from inside the limo as the boy stood up straight and smoothed his new uniform, which consisted of a light blue, stiff, collared shirt with khaki pants, handing him his backpack.

"Thank you, Butler. You are to be here at pickup at _precisely_ three o'clock. Am I understood?"

Butler raised an eyebrow. "Artemis, you'll be _fine._"

An odd expression was on his charge's face. "Butler…I…."

_"No need to profess your love for him, we all know there's an affair going on with you two!"_ chortled a braying voice. Instantly Artemis was searching his outfit for the betraying article of clothing.

_"Over heeeeere, Artemis!"_ sang a taunting voice. Foaly was obviously gleeful at his deception. Finally Artemis snatched off the label (Jeffrey Middle School) from his bag. Butler, surprised, opened his mouth, but then closed it when it peeled off into Artemis's hand, revealing the _real_ patch beneath. He tried his best to keep his fury under control.

"Bravo, Foaly, on managing to spy on my first day of class," he said coolly into the patch. "You just _have_ to add that to your list of achievements." Then he dropped it and dug his heel on top of it. There was a faint sizzle as Foaly's voice protested, but then it was silent.

Artemis kicked it into the gutter. Then his eyes met Butler's. "Three o'clock." Butler nodded, but his charge had already turned his back on the car.

Butler watched him disappear into the happy buzz of normal teenagers, and he couldn't help but feel a twinge of remorse for the boy. Then he shook his head. Artemis could do whatever he wanted. And if he wanted friends, then hell, he would get them.

……………………………………………………….

Artemis weaved in between people. He finally made it to the cluster of buildings and, relieved, saw his class down the walkway. All these reunited friends were starting to greatly aggravate him.

Suddenly a group of giggling girls walked down. They were taking up practically the whole way and clearly expected Artemis to simply walk around them, but he continued walking in a straight line. As they passed, he bumped right into a tall blonde, bashing shoulders.

She turned on him. "Excuse me!"

He kept on walking.

"You! With the black hair!" she said loudly. Her friends were whispering.

"You with the face," a redhead called with a giggle.

Artemis stopped and turned to face them. "Can I accommodate you somehow?" he asked scathingly.

There was a moment of silence. And then-

_"Oh my God."_

Suddenly they were all around him, swarming and whispering and asking questions.

"Is your name Edward?"

"Are you a vampire?"

"Have you ever read a book about yourself?"

"Do you have a girlfriend named Bella?"

Artemis – for once – was dumbstruck. What was going on?

The blonde who had, a second ago, been so upset was now touching his arm. "What's your name?"

He looked at her, eyes sparking. "Artemis Fowl the Second."

She was surprised. "Not Edward?"

He sent her a look that said, "_You are a moron"_ in capital letters. "No. Excuse me, I think you're confusing me with someone…else."

"You're sure?" she said, as he turned to continue to class.

He wheeled back. "_I think I know my name_," he said.

"No, but…well, are you related to anyone named Edward?" she asked, slightly put out.

"Second cousin."

"Do you guys look alike?" she asked, delighted.

"Somewhat. He's obese."

The girls sighed in disappointment, all in unison.

"Well…what class are you in?" she persisted.

Artemis couldn't resist – he rolled his eyes. "_That_ one," he said, nodding his head towards it. The girls once again were all smiles. "See you there then!" they giggled, and moved on towards the bathroom. (Because of course it was just an odd coincidence that they all had to relieve themselves at the exact time.)

Artemis mentally moaned. A long day it would be, young paduan.

……………………………………………………………….

Foaly was tickled pink. Artemis hadn't thought to check for other cameras! That kid was getting dumber and dumber each day – but more adolescent. He chuckled as he watched the whole scene from a practically microscopic camera stuck on the strap of the boy's backpack strap.

Holly sighed. "Yes, Foaly, you really think that the boy who can outwit a whole fairy population doesn't think to check for the real camera? _You're_ the idiot, anyway. You could have exposed our entire race! What if some mud boy found that and started talking back?" Foaly sniffed. "Besides, Artemis's trying to shove it in your face, I think, that he will make it through the day still intact – and with his pride, too. Maybe even a girlfriend, too, now that I think about it…something that you happen to lack."

Foaly sniffed. "I met a nice girl named Caballine the other day, you know."

Holly snorted. "Were you wearing your foil hat?"

"Yes I was. And she thought it was adorable."

"Did you tell her that it was a present from your three year old niece? Or you actually said it was to protect your cranium?" Holly retorted.

Foaly was silent. Then he coughed.

Holly laughed. "Anyway, Artemis needs to know – you going to help? I'm in, and so is Root-"

"Julius is going? Oh goody, another chance to humiliate him with my superior intelligence! I'll be there!" the centaur chortled.

Holly rolled her eyes but had to smile.

……………………………………………………….

"So…what school did you come from?" asked the redhead, who was (unfortunately) assigned to sit next to him. She propped her elbow up, turning to look at him. He stared straight ahead at the board. "An all boys school."

She gasped. "Oh. My. God. Were there tons of gay guys there then? Or bi's? Because, I mean, if they're gay then they _have_ to be hot."

Artemis glanced at her. "Not to my knowledge."

She giggled. "Oh yeah, you're straight, right?" She smiled winningly. The guy behind her sighed audibly.

"Where is the teacher?" Artemis muttered to himself. "Late, and on the first day, too. He's already lost _my_ respect."

The girl rolled her eyes. "Oh. My. God. I know! I mean, honestly, how does he expect to control a class if we're all here before him? It's like a damn communist government, for Pete's sake."

Artemis groaned in frustration inwardly at her obvious lack of knowledge. The blonde, shrimpy boy behind her coughed. "My name's Pete…"

She spared him a quick full body scan, found nothing worth paying attention to, and turned back to Artemis. "So do you have a girlfriend? I know it must be weird, only being able to look at females from another species, what with you being a vampire and all, but still…we're not all bad, us girl humans…"

A quick image of Holly sprang to his mind, and he had to choke down a laugh and a seering glare at the same time.

Fortunately, the door burst open and in walked a brisk young man who spat out, "God, the traffic was horrible, sorry, class…"

Artemis stood slowly. "Excuse me, sir, but I find the usage of the word, 'God" offensive. If I could be so _bold_ as to ask you to remove it from such sentences?"

The teacher, who was sure to be the desire of girl's hearts, stopped in shock and turned to him. "Pardon me, who are you?" he asked, not sure whether to be amused or offended. A small smile tugged up at his lips.

"Artemis Fowl II."

The teacher went behind his desk and scanned down a paper. "Artemis…Artemis…ah, you're the late addition."

"Yes."

"Well, why don't you sit down. I'm religious too, you know."

Artemis stared at him, forcing the man to meet his eyes. "Undoubtedly, sir, I'm much more involved in the faith."

(Later the man would go to church on Sunday and ask about the Fowl family, and their work with the Parish, but he would discover, to his shock, that no such family was listed to attend.)

The man declined his head in acknowledgement. "Perhaps you are. Now, I would like us all to stand up. Let's do a little game, shall we, where I say something like, 'I have a fish' and then if you have a fish you must sit down. We'll see who the winner is!"

Artemis put on his most innocent face and rose again. The teacher imperceptibly sighed. "Yes, Artemis?"

"Would you mind refraining from saying the word, 'fish', sir? Mine just died, after living in my room for three months. I still tear up at the very thought…" And he sniffed.

The teacher opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again. Then he shut it. He simply nodded. Artemis sniffed again, pretending to wipe away a tear, and then sat down. Three different girls reached over to comfort him, including the redhead.

"So, shall we all stand up then?" They did, with the shuffle of feet and scraping of chairs, and he began asking questions. Soon they were all sitting except for Artemis. No, he did not have a sister, yes, he had tried escargot. The last statement was, "I do not have a bodyguard." It was supposedly meant as a joke, but Artemis stood straight and tall, eyes flashing, as everyone around him, laughing, sat down. But it died down soon, and then there was silence as everyone registered what was going on.

The teacher, still laughing, tried to suppress his chuckles. "Oh, Artemis, you, um, have a bodyguard? Why isn't he with you?"

"I have two, actually, sir. They aren't with me," and here his voice became as cold as ice and as sharp as a blade, "because the _President_ specifically requested that they not attend classes with me. However, I shall be amused when they find my body stuffed in a closet somewhere with my throat slit here on campus and my family will be able to sue this school for every penny that it has to its name."

There was silence. Then someone inconspicuously began clapping, and then more people started to too, until soon the whole class was applauding and whistling. The poor teacher, who was actually a very nice man, was in shock. And it hadn't even been an hour yet of class.

…………………………………………………………….

Foaly observed the scenario. "Wow. He has them all eating out of the palm of his hand."

Holly came in, munching a carrot. She tossed one to Foaly. "_And_ he has a whole clique of popular girls after him."

Foaly considered that while munching. "You know, I just don't get how the whole 'push them away' maneuver seems to only make him more desirable…" he commented while little flecks of orange spat out.

Holly laughed. "They think he's some book character, I think. A vampire, actually, from what I gather. And apparently a pretty hot one, too, named Edward. From a book series called 'Twilight' or something."

Foaly gaped. "Well…_I'm_ a…a…a werewolf! Named…um…"

"Jonathan?" Holly suggested, smirking.

"Yeah! From a book series called 'Moon Rise'!"

Holly lifted one feminine eyebrow. "Sure, Foaly, see if you can get in bed with Caballine after telling her that. You ferocious beast, you!" She walked out, still chuckling.

Foaly blushed, making faces at her back after he recovered.

Then Root walked in. "What's this about you being a werewolf, Foaly?" His cheeks were turning the tell-tale red.

Foaly was instantly all smiles. "Hey Julius, buddy ol' pal, what's going on?"

Root was not in the mood – was he ever? "Did you want something, Foaly?" he sighed.

Foaly was all grins. "What do _I _want? Me? What do _**I**_ want?"

Root was instantly sorry he asked that question.

Foaly kicked back in his chair. "Hmmm…well, tons of moola wouldn't be bad…you know, in the form of a (exaggerated cough) _raise_, then Caballi…I mean, a…um…a Caribbean cruise…he he…" he stuttered. "And then to publicly humiliate you precisely when I get to work in front of the whole of Haven – it would be shown on screens spread throughout the city, you see – just to start off my morning _wonderfully_, and then, of course, to go hang gliding off –"

"All very valid…_desires_, so to speak…but completely unrealistic, _pony boy_," Root said, seething through clenched teeth as he advanced upon the no longer grinning centaur.

Holly spared Foaly a very messy, painful death. Envision pieces of flesh all over the room – oh look, an eyeball! "Whoa, whoa, calm down," she immediately said, coming between them. "Report for you from Grub in conference room #3," she said, facing Root, hands on her hips. He cast a glare over her shoulder to Foaly, who smiled innocently, and then stormed out.

"Whew, Foaly, what did you _do?_" she smirked at the door.

Foaly shrugged. "Just my natural charm…what did _you_ do? That was like snake charming…except with a much more dangerous and near-extinction animal," he added. "Not like anyone would care if he went extinct."

"_Foaly!"_ came a shout. "_I hear you muttering with Short, and it better be about work!"_

Foaly pointedly looked at Holly.

…………………………………………………

Lunch. Artemis slowly walked out of the class into the cafeteria, dreading the indecision of where to sit. There was no way to formulate a plan to ensure a good seat since he would need one accomplice at _least_, which he most certainly did not have.

The girls immediately flocked around to him, along with some tall, buff boys. "Dude…" they drawled. "Way cool. You, like, _pounded_ him. Didn't even see it coming!"

"And that fish thing! _Classic_," someone else added.

The girls – surprise, surprise! – giggled.

And for a second, he didn't mind so much that they were clapping him on the back and holding his hand (the _girls_) and that he was getting odd, unfamiliar looks; glances of approval and surprise and even – to his extreme satisfaction – people looking up to him. On the first day!

For once, Artemis Fowl the Second…didn't mind.

**A/N: So…watcha think? You've all heard of the book ****Twilight****, right? Personally, I haven't read it (YET!), but my friends are all infatuated so I think I've heard enough to gather he's a vampire who falls in love with a girl named Bella (in a town called Spoon? Fork? Knife? Something like that…I think…)**

**Remember…SOFT GOOEY CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE! (Haha…it rhymes…)**


	4. Chess Club

Artemis was shown the ropes of how to buy lunch by his new friends. As he waited in line to get the "Mac & Cheese w/ Grilled Cheese" they chatted up a storm about new outfits, which ones were cool and which ones weren't, the latest fashions, cool episodes on "America's Next Top Model", who was going to work as a model and where as soon as they were old enough to get a job, new kids who had potential to hang out with them who exhibited certain "cool" characteristics, and kids who had been at the school for years, branded as losers.

"I mean, _honestly_," the tall blonde said. "Who joins the _chess club?_ That's just asking to be a dork."

"Duh!" the others chimed in. Artemis was silent, and they all stared at him, waiting – _expecting_ – an answer.

Something rose in Artemis, just a little bit, like a slow but gradual flood. It wasn't compassion for the chess clubbers; it wasn't loathing for them. Perhaps it had something to do with simply spiting the "populars", or just the fact of throwing something in someone's face. What he was throwing, however, and who he was throwing it at he wasn't quite sure.

"Well…" he began slowly. "I was thinking about joining various clubs, and that was one of the selections I was avidly interested in. I am the reigning champion in all of Europe, actually."

There was silence as he looked around coolly. Their jaws were dropped.

Finally the biggest, hunkiest of the guys said, "Dude. Are you kidding?"

Artemis looked at him.

Suddenly all the girls were apologizing, reconciling, "taking it back".

"Yeah, but, I mean, all of _them_ wear the weirdest clothes."

_We're all wearing uniforms._

"But they only _think_ they're good at it, that's what I meant!"

_How would you know? Ever been to a chess club gathering? _

"I'm sorry, I think I said it differently than how I meant it…"

_Right. Keep telling yourself that._

"Dude…that's crazy!"

_I'm the sane one._

"How about sitting down?" he broke in. They all agreed, bobbing their heads up and down quickly. This was pathetically simple.

They chose a seat outside of the cafeteria, by a large tree that had benches all around it. However, there was already a smiling group of girls there.

The blonde one stared down at them. "Excuse me. Umm, what are you doing in our seats?"

A tall girl with honey brown hair looked up at them. "What?" she asked, squinting into the sun.

"Since when are these _your_ seats?" scoffed a short girl with auburn hair, much prettier than Artemis's "new friend"; hers was more orange.

"Umm, since we met _him,"_ the orange-headed girl – Ali – nudged at Artemis. She was obviously very pleased for some reason, arms folded and eyebrows raised.

"Who is he?" asked the tall girl.

All of the populars sighed. "_Duh_, he's like an exact replica of Edward!"

Blank stares. Artemis gritted his teeth. He was right there.

They, the populars, sighed again. "You know, from _Twilight?"_

Peals of laughter came from the other group. "You guys think that _he_ looks like Edward?"

The popular girls were now uncertain of themselves. Had they missed something?

A skinny girl with short brown hair stood up. She had a slightly menacing air to her that certainly threw off the populars. "Let's start with his hair. _He_ has black hair. Edward has-"

"My name is Artemis Fowl the Second," he cut in smoothly, extending a hand to her. "_Pleased_ to make your acquaintance." She nodded to him, smirking as they shook hands, and then returned to what she had been saying.

"Edward has honey-red colored hair. 'Artemis Fowl the Second' has blue eyes. Edward's eyes change color. And that's just the beginning; don't make me go into more details." She narrowed her eyes. "Didn't you all _read_ the book?"

A tall blonde girl, slightly overweight, scoffed. "Don't blame them. That was the first book they've ever read – and the last."

Ali glared at them all, then sniffed. "Shouldn't you be setting a good example for Artemis?"

The other girls all laughed. The girl with short hair was practically gasping for air. "And all you sluts are, I suppose?"

The jocks all "ooooo"'ed, covering their mouths with one hand and shaking the other one.

"What are you man-whores laughing at?" she demanded, raising an eyebrow, the smile still on her face. Her friends were practically rolling on the ground.

"Come on, boys. Let's go."

"Hell yeah." The guys glared at the girls sitting there and either gave them the finger or mouthed, "Biiiiiitches."

The blonde popular girl, Chloe, grabbed onto Artemis's arm and tried dragging him away. Artemis went with them, watching the squinted eyes of the other group on him as he walked with the populars.

"Wow," the redhead said from the un-popular group, once they had left.

…………………………………………………………….

The rest of the day carried on, lunch being the most "exciting" event. He sat by Chloe and/or Ali, and when they weren't there he sat with their friends, usually more girls. However, in Science he sat with the jocks.

He had some classes scattered with the "enemy girls", or "effing bitches," as Chloe and Ali put it so eloquently.

But he couldn't help it – something about them just….shimmered. Was it the way they laughed? The way they joked about anything – everything? Or was it that certain girls allured him? He conjured up the image of the tall girl with honey brown hair. She was just as curvy as the popular girls, although even if she didn't flaunt it, but he felt no…_inclination_ to her.

After school, while on the way to pick-up, he heard the red-head talking to the slightly larger blonde girl. "Yeah…I don't know, can't be that bad. They say nerds are cute anyway!"

The blonde girl looked at her. "That's in books. In real life, nerds are just…well, nerds. Enough said!"

"Hey, what do you think about that new kid, Artemis?"

"He has a girl's name, to begin with, even if he is…handsome…" She grinned.

"Seeeexy," teased the other girl. Then she glanced over her shoulder and her eyes widened in shock as she saw Artemis trailing behind them. "Oh my God!" she hissed (but loud enough for him to hear) to the blonde, "he's right behind us!" She was giggling and smiling widely.

Blondie glanced over her shoulder. "Oh my God! Come on, let's hurry…they'll kill us if we're late…although I _still_ don't see why we're joining the _chess_ club."

If Artemis hadn't been listening avidly before, he was now. Glancing at his watch – 2:57 – he dug inside his backpack while walking (stalking) behind the other girls in an attempt to sort through everything and find his cell phone. Finally discovering it, he flipped it open and called Butler. He zipped up his backpack, then hurried to stick behind the two girls who were walking quickly and then occasionally glancing back at him, giggling all the while.

"Artemis. Are you here?" Butler asked, concerned.

"Butler. I'm going to a…briefing. For…about…new kids, _for_ new kids. Yes. Well, um, Butler, I shall be out at perhaps 3:45. Sorry for any inconvenience," he blustered. He didn't want Butler to know that his mother was right, and that he _was_ actually creating a social life.

"Is that all, Artemis?"

"Yes." He flipped his phone shut with a small **clack** noise.

The girls ahead of him slowed down as they saw another table with some boys under it, sitting at stone tables with flimsy chess boards in front, although others seemed to be playing online with their laptops. They seemed apprehensive, but there was no doubt that this was the club.

Artemis passed the girls and went up to the boys, who looked up in surprise. One of them was fat, fat here having the meaning of extremely obtuse. The others had long, stringy, slightly curly hair that looked as if it hadn't been washed for a while.

"Hello!" greeted the "nerd king," as the redhead would soon come to call him. He actually had a nasal voice and was wearing clear contacts. "Come to sign up?" he asked, bobbing his head like the popular people.

_The difference between the extremes is mediocre._

"Yes," Artemis said, "and so have they." He gestured at the blonde and the redhead, who came up beside him, trying to hide their giggles behind small smiles.

"Well, well, well! Take a seat, an opponent, a chess board…" Artemis glanced at the chess board and suddenly felt a yanking from the back of his mind…

…………………………………………………………….

_"Arty, dear, won't you play with him? You're not around as much lately and the boy needs some time with his father…" Angeline begged, pouting as she wrapped her hands around one of her husband's arms._

_"Later, dear. I have an important phone call coming in and I simply __**must**__ be there to take it. You want to be able to afford these pretty dresses, don't you?" he fingered the material covering her chest, making her giggle. And then he was gone._

_Toddler Artemis was holding onto the doorway behind her, in order to keep from falling down. But his hands were sweaty…"Ooph!" he said as his butt met the floor._

_Angeline laughed, going over to him. She scooped him up as he cooed in pleasure. "That was your father, Arty boy," she whispered, tickling his nose. "He's busy now, but I promise you that he'll play with you sometime soon."_

_The next day Angeline heard the front door open and slam. There was a rustling of a large bag, and she soon saw her husband's face appear in front of her, at the top of the staircase. "Where's Arty?" he asked. "I brought him a present. I'm going to teach him a game."_

_Angeline was delighted with her husband's interest. "He's in his room with that new Butler boy."_

_Bag in hand, he slowly opened the door to his son's room. There was a determined frown on Artemis's face as he slowly placed a wooden square upon a tower of other shapes. Then Butler placed a circle on top of that, very very slowly, but…__**clink**__ and they all tumbled to the ground. Artemis laughed in delight._

_"Butler, go take a break. Have lunch or something. Work on improving that placement. I'll be up here teaching Artemis chess." Butler, a bit taken back, nodded and went downstairs._

_Artemis looked up at his father with wide eyes. "Pa-pa-pa," he babbled._

_Artemis Senior smiled a small bit. He took out of the bag a large, heavy, wooden square thing that was wrapped at least four times over in bubble wrap. He tore it all of, handing it to Artemis Junior, who immediately popped it with his hands. Then he put it in his two-year old mouth, biting down. A muffled shriek came when it popped under his developing teeth._

_His father immediately took it from him. "No!" he said roughly. Artemis's wide blue eyes began to swim with tears, so he picked the boy up and sat him next to his father; him. "Look…" he whispered. _

_Artemis looked at the beautifully polished, deep red wood square that had white and red wood checkers on it. "Oooo…" he whispered. Pleased, his father nodded._

_"This is called a __**chess**__ board," he began, "and I am going to teach you how to play chess."_

_Angeline listened quietly from the doorway where she stood, smiling. It had been a rare moment indeed with his father; their first – and one of their last - chess games. He practiced every day with Butler until one day, perhaps, he would be good enough to be considered a worth opponent for his father. _

…………………………………………………………….

And so now here he was, years and years later, staring down at the chess board. He shook his head as he sat down at the picnic table. _Clear your mind._

Wouldn't "Nerd King" have the nerve to sit him across from the larger blonde girl. "Hey," she said happily.

Artemis had to know. "Have you played before?" he asked scathingly.

"Haha!" the blonde laughed. "Of course…" Upon seeing him raise an eyebrow, her laughter trailed off uncertainly.

He beat her in exactly one minute and twenty-seven seconds. A new record.

She gaped at him for a few seconds. Then she turned to her left and whispered in the redhead's ear, who had been laughing at her quick game.

Artemis silently began to set the chess board up.

Nerd King spied him. "Still setting up your game with Chrissy?" he said, the subtlest touch of mocking hidden inside his words.

Artemis narrowed his eyes. "We just played."

A wave of surprise passed over his face, but then he was in control again. "Very good, very good…a new opponent, then?"

"Yes," Artemis said, placing a pawn down in the exact middle of a square. "Yes."

In 35 minutes he had beaten everyone except Nerd King himself – twice. He had a new record of fifty-three seconds, which had been set playing against "Chrissy" the second time around. Nerd King himself was in shock, but refused to play him. Artemis could understand, even if the boy did annoy him; he wouldn't have wanted to lose his "Nerd/Chess King" status on the first day either.

Eyes on his new opponent, he flipped out his cellphone. "Butler."

"Artemis. I'm here. Are you ready?"

Nerd King eyed Artemis. "I'll be there in five minutes…at the most." Then he smoothly returned his phone to his pocket and sat down.

Nerd King accepted the challenge and sat down, seething inside at the promise of being beaten in five minutes. "You think you can beat me?"

Artemis laughed a raw, bitter laugh. "It's a fact that does not require thinking."

…………………………………………………………….

_**Rat-tat-ta-tat.**__ "Come in," Artemis I said briskly, expecting the Minister. Instead he got a small boy of six who, he had to say, looked just as businesslike._

_"Father?" asked the young boy. "I feel that I am adequate to play against you in a competitive game of chess," he stated, taking the seat in front of his father's desk._

_Artemis Senior was taken aback for a second, but then checked the ornate golden grandfather clock to his right. He laughed. "I suppose a quick game wouldn't hurt."_

_Artemis ran out the door and quickly came back with his first set, the one his father had bought him. His father cleared the few pieces of paper in front of him and the calculator, putting them in drawers for later. "Black or white, Arty?"_

_His son studied them. "White."_

_"Alright then…" They set up the pieces in silence._

_"So…have you been practicing?"_

_Artemis eagerly nodded. "Every day, Father."_

_"Good, good…"_

_"When was the last time you played, Father?" Artemis asked casually._

_"Hmm…I think I played against some fellow businessman about three days ago."_

_Artemis nodded, deep in thought as the first move was made. Something was clearly troubling him. "Father…?" he asked slowly._

_Artemis I looked up at him. "Yes, Artemis?"_

_His son fidgeted. "Well…you're not going to hold back, are you? Let me win, or allow me to come close?"_

_"Why, would you like me to?" _

_"__**No,**__" Artemis II replied forcefully. A small smile appeared on his father's face._

_"Good."_

_To his astonishment, however, a small voice timidly announced, "Check…mate," approximately eleven minutes later. _

_His father checked all possible moves. It was true; he was blocked in every possible way. He looked up at his son. His mouth opened slowly, but then he closed it. "Impossible…" he whispered. "Well, I taught you well, hmm?" he laughed._

_Artemis still had those wide, staring eyes of a child. He looked at his father for a few moments, eyes beginning to…tear? Without a word he gathered all the pieces and the board and left, an amazing amount of poise with him for one so young. But then again, Artemis the Second __**was**__ amazing._

…………………………………………………………….

Precisely eleven minutes later, the game was over. Nerd King was shocked, half formed words trailing from his lips. "What…I…that…no…" Finally regaining his composure, he stonily tilted his head to the side and nodded. "Well, you'll be a…_valuable_…aspect to the chess club, that's for sure." He managed a small, hollow laugh.

Artemis looked at him icily. Then he stood up, threw his backpack over his shoulder, and walked off.

Chrissy and the redhead, Tibby, stared with gaping mouths at his retreating back as he called Butler to tell him he was coming.

"_He is so hot,"_ whispered Tibby. Then they giggled and walked off too to inform their group of friends about the club.

**C/N: Wow, this chapter took a while to write. Sorry! I **_**really**_** appreciate all of the reviews; I'm amazed at how many people actually like this story. :D I've tried to reply to all of them, but if I didn't reply to yours then THANK YOU. The following rock my socks off: eragonsgirl1, ozzyozztin, Queen Flowfeather, HollyluvsArty, Dianna Ruiz, Devouring Sarcasm Phantasm, iluvpie, Incandescent Adolescent, Belle07, AppleBerryGirl, MercuryMan, there here…ding-dong, baby green eyes, dappledsunlight, fate's eyes, paradisegurl101, person, Pepper Lemon, pixiespryte, encoder, Akela Musafir, Between The Nightmares, Nicoleartist, B00K FREAK, knighted lioness, Little-Miss-Vamprechaun, Jelly1029, blueholly.**

**WOW. Thanks so much guys! I really love it when reviewers review every single chapter hinthint, which is actually most of you. Thanks again!  
**

**Favorite review award: blueholly (for Ch. 3)**


	5. Starbucks Doesn't Deliver?

**Just because I introduced a ton of characters last chapter, here's a list of their names and what they look like.**

**Popular People**

**Ali: bright orange haired girl who sits next to Artemis in class**

**Chloe: tall blonde girl who bumped into Artemis and "discovered" him**

**& other various jocks and sluts (did I say sluts? I meant popular girls…)**

**Unpopular People**

**Em: tall girl with honey-brown hair**

**Tibby: short redhead in the chess club**

**Chrissy: slightly larger blonde haired girl**

**Rox: skinny, "menacing" girl with shoulder length brown hair (full name is Roxy)**

**& other boys who will be introduced soon and maybe one or two other girls, maybe not…**

**FYI: The popular girls aren't based on popular girls at my school except for the names. The unpopular girls are all based off of my friends and me, except the names are slightly changed. Just so you know. :P Sorry to disappoint you reviewers that suspected Tibby was Holly or something. She's actually based off of me. Yes, I have auburn hair. Yes, I am short. No, I am not an elf or part of the LEP. Thanks for all the compliments, though. :P **

**On with the story that has no plot whatsoever!!! (That's a hint for you to give me advice.)**

Artemis approached the car. (Well, limousine.) People all around him were looking at the elongated car with curiosity, and then at him with shocked expressions and whispers as he approached it.

"That's the new kid, the popular one…"

"Popular? He's been here for a day!"

"He's cute!"

"He looks like a…a _vampire_…"

Artemis stepped into the car with a roll of his eyes. But imagine his surprise in finding not only Butler in the car, but also his…_mother_.

He raised an eyebrow, forcing his features to reveal no surprise whatsoever to her wide smile. She reached across the seat and hugged him, while Butler looked on coolly from the back seat. "Arty!!!" she exclaimed, almost squealing. "How was your first day of school?!"

He looked back at a displeased Butler. "Fine. Why isn't Butler sitting up here? We're in danger from sniper fire if we sit ahead of him, the first reason being – "

A small smile flickered on Butler's mouth which was both approving and…amused…for some reason. He turned back to Angeline, who had interrupted him.

"Oh, silly, I think we can spare precautions for one short drive home, hmm? Tell me all about your day, dear." She looked at him, eyes gleaming. He opened his mouth to speak reluctantly, but suddenly she put a hand up to pause him and pressed a button under the window. "Music, please!" she trilled.

Artemis's eyebrow went even higher. "Music?" he asked dubiously.

She turned back to him. "Yes, I thought it might…oh, I don't know…relax the atmosphere?"

Butler thought that Artemis's eyebrow would simply disappear amid his black hair if he attempted to raise it to an even higher altitude than it now was.

"Mothe – "

It flooded his ears without warning. His eyes widened as he absorbed the lyrics.

Angeline bounced along to it, goofy smile still on her face.

_Baby if you strip, you can get a tip  
'Cause I like you just the way you are  
(I'm about to strip and I'm well equi__pped  
Can you handle me the way I are?)  
I don't need the cheese or the car keys,  
Boy I like you just the way you are  
Let me see ya strip, you can get a tip-_

"_Mother!"_ Artemis shrieked (not unlike a girl) as they rolled along to the manor. He shut his eyes and clapped his hands over his ears. "_What is this?!"_

The poppy beat and the seductive voices were everywhere; there was no escape from the lyrics, oh, the _lyrics_: strip, tip, equip, cheese, keys, strip, _strip_…oh, the horror of bad grammar…

She was dancing in her seat. "Ar-_tee_," she protested, "isn't this what you listened to at school today, perhaps during lunch?"

He shook his head tensely, teeth clenched. "_Change it,_" he moaned. "_Change the station…turn it off…_"

Butler, sensing a boiling hurricane hidden beneath thinning layers of school uniforms, pressed a button, the same one Angeline had pressed except next to him, and uttered a low, terse command. Automatically the music was shut off.

Angeline stopped waving her arms around. "Honestly, Artemis, you're no fun!" She pressed the grey button and muttered, "_Different channel_," before looking at him with her infamous "puppy dog face". "You did make friends today, didn't you?" she asked, trying to act nonchalant although her eagerness for the reply was obvious.

Artemis rolled his eyes, just as the radio came back on.

"_And now we've got a__n old hit on our hands, here, guys and gaaaaals,"_ the DJ drawled, "_with __**Hey Mama**__ by the Black Eyed Peas. Enjoy!_"

Artemis's head whirled back to look at Butler so fast, his bodyguard feared it would fly off his body. Butler, sensing catastrophe, pressed the grey button and mumbled to the driver again.

"Artemis Fowl the Second! What are you doing? That was a promising title for a song!" Angeline looked at him sternly.

"_**Hey Mama**_, Mother? Please."

She sighed. And pressed the button. "New channel."

Artemis glared at Butler, who, under his charge's stony stare, pressed the button and mumbled, "Off."

Angeline gasped and pushed down again with her finger. "New channel!"

Artemis didn't even have to look at Butler, although he did anyway. "Off."

"New chann – "

"Off."

"Channel!"

"Off!"

"_Channel!"_ she protested, voice rising with a whine.

"_Off!" _barked Butler.

"_Channel!"_

"_Off!"_

"_New!"  
_

"_Off!"_

"_New!"_

"_Off!"_

"_Off!"_ Artemis, in slow motion, started to sound a warning to Butler, but alas, it was too late, as the massive man was fooled by Angeline's sly switch.

"_New! _I mean…wait…no!" His eyes widened as he realized what he had done, but when he tried to press the button again he found that it was jammed down under the pressure of so many commands.

_You're a falling star, you're the get away car.  
You're the line in the sand when I go too far.  
You're the swimming poo, on an August day.  
And you're the perfect thing to say._

The sweet crooning of Michael Buble's _Everything_ came on, and just at the beginning of the song. Butler winced as Artemis sucked in air in a futile effort to calm himself by finding his _chi_. Angeline was chuckling with a victorious look on her face.

"_So,_ Arty, as I was asking before I was so _rudely_ interrupted…did you make any friends?"

Artemis went in for the subtly sarcastic angle. "Why _yes,_ Mother, I actually managed to meet everyone in the school in the same day and impress each one of them! I am now all of the teacher's favorite student as well."

_And in this crazy life and through these crazy times  
It's you, it's you. You make me sing.  
You're every line, you're every word… you're everything._

Angeline frowned slightly. "Is that sarcasm that I detect, Artemis?"

Whoops. Perhaps a touch too heavy.

The boy was saved, however, as the driver passed through the gates after having typed in the fifteen number and letter long combination code, allowed a scanner to read his iris, and given a palm swipe of both hands.

"Look at that, we're home," Artemis said dryly. Butler coughed, hiding a snort of laughter.

Angeline sighed as they came to a stop directly outside of the house. "Well, there's still dinner for you to tell me _everything_ about your first day, Artemis. Your father can't wait to hear how it went, too, I'm sure, and neither can I…"

But Artemis was already out the car door, walking across the gravel briskly. Butler was right behind him.

Angeline narrowed her eyes. "Boys these days…they think that they're pimps. Or is it gangsters…?" she said to herself. Then, with a shrug, she stepped out. It didn't really matter either way.

* * *

Artemis went straight to his new MacBook from Apple. He'd had it months before it was released publicly and was pleased with its performance. Upon turning it on, he pulled off a sticky note that had been plastered onto the corner of his screen.

_Username: Artyboy369  
__Password: hotrod369  
__Have fun talking to your friends!  
__-Mommy_

Juliet snickered as she entered his room and saw the note. "Got yourself an iChat account then, huh?" She set his fresh Basil-Tomato Sandwich With Caviar down next to his computer. He stared at the note.

"A _what?_" he asked dubiously.

Slow horror – and delight – spread across her face. "You don't know what an iChat account is? _Artemis Fowl doesn't know everything about modern technology?!_" she gasped.

Artemis narrowed his eyes at her. "I _know_ what it is, I just…why would she…hmph!"

Butler came up to his sister and whispered in her ear, "_Don't test him right now…he's a bit on the edge._"

Juliet gave her brother a doubtful look. "He's always like this." She turned back to a suspicious Artemis.

"What did he say to you?" he asked, voice full with sirens and flashing danger signs.

She shrugged innocently. "Nothiiiing…" Juliet trilled.

"I _asked_ you a _question_, Juliet!" he said, voice (and pitch) rising dangerously.

"Oh, only how you're a fleabag and how he hates your guts."

Artemis studied her for a second, and then Butler, who was glaring at Juliet. Then he shrugged nonchalantly and turned back to his computer.

"Oh, don't be that way, Arty," Juliet said playfully.

"Please _leave_, Mother."

There was an uncomfortable silence that was as thick as tapioca pudding. Finally Butler spoke. "Mother?"

Artemis coughed, embarrassed. "Juliet, Juliet. Pardon my…slip of the tongue." He continued tapping away at the keys. Finally the young bodyguard/wrestler rolled her eyes while shrugging her shoulders and left.

Butler coughed too. "I apologize for my sister's rudeness, Artemis. She's just…she's a teenager. A _typical_ teenager, I mean…umm...no, I mean..." He hurriedly explained his comment.

Artemis sighed.

"If I may be so…bold…as to inquire, Artemis, how…_was_ your first day at Jeffrey?"

Artemis sighed again. "I'm…I'm…" He struggled to find the right word.

Butler's eyebrows almost met in between his eyes. "A…nerd? Geek? Popular?"

"Ahhh, yes, that's the one."

Butler was now very concerned. "What, a geek? Or just a…regular teen? Or popular?"

Artemis was blushing. _Blushing_. "The last one."

Butler was shocked for a second but then quickly recovered. "_Ohhh…_ohhh! Well…ummm…that's good!"

Artemis coughed. Butler wondered for a fraction of a second whether he was coming down with a cold, but then discarded the thought immediately. He had detected a small sprinkle of pride, success, and…genuine amusement? Normally the only amusement Artemis indulged in was sarcasm.

"So…you did make friends then?" Butler smiled.

Artemis, trying vainly to hide his satisfaction, smiled…dreamily?

Butler went up to his charge. Artemis turned back to the screen. "Are they nice?" he asked, sorting through some loose papers on the boy's desk.

"They're…well, popular. Although I did hear them described as 'sluts' and 'man-whores'," he added amusedly.

Butler laughed. Then, looking down at the paper on top, frowned slightly. "What's this?" he asked, pointing to it.

It was a short poem. It read as follows:

_Follow the rainbow, discover the pot  
__Be very quiet so as to not get caught  
__The friends you made just may save  
__All that sparkles is not gold._

Artemis blanched, blinking rapidly. He swallowed. "Nothing, Butler, just a little puzzle I made for…Minerva."

_She's coming_, _don't forget,_ he mentally noted.

Butler's expression turned to one of disapproval. "Artemis, I know when you're lying, and you're lying right now. What is this? Give me an honest answer."

Artemis avoided his bodyguard's gaze. "Nothing, Butler. I promise you."

Butler sighed. "Artemis, I enjoyed those little escapades before, but I'm getting too old to save you from danger now. It only takes one lucky bullet to end a life, even though I may have saved you from the other twenty. Do you see what I mean?" he asked gently.

Artemis met his eyes. His hands were slick with sweat. "It is nothing, Butler. You have my word."

Butler left the room to order a double chocolate chip frappachino with whipped cream and cocoa powder. He needed something from Starbucks.

Artemis sighed in relief as he savored the solitude of the room. He quickly shredded the paper. It really wasn't much, just a coded note to remind him about Butler's surprise birthday party and how some of the LEP were coming. He would have added more about Minerva coming had Butler not discovered it, but as it was he couldn't.

He felt like collapsing on his bed, but instead rested his head on his arms on his keyboard and stared at his sandwich.

He finally mustered up the strength to take a bite.

_Well, at least you'll love me…_he thought miserably to the sandwich, not really considering how crazy he was acting.

Then his eyes bulged, his throat constricted, and he immediately threw it all back up as his arm brushed the plate over the desk with a clatter. Thankfully it didn't get on his computer, only the carpet (as he had turned his head to the side).

Butler walked in, muttering darkly about how Starbucks required extra payment for delivery. Then he saw Artemis floundering like a fish and instantly ran over to his charge and performed the Heimlich. He grunted with the effort.

Having heard the clatter, Juliet ran in. Her eyes widened as she saw Butler and Artemis, but then she reevaluated the situation. "What's wrong?" she asked. "Is he choking?"

Suddenly a glob of red and green slime went **splat** across her face. She gasped in horror, wiping it off with her right hand. "What. Was. That." She said in a deadly quiet voice. Artemis lay on the carpet, breathing heavily.

Butler looked down at him. "It doesn't always take a bullet, Artemis. Sometimes just a glob of tomato." Suddenly a _ding-dong_ came from downstairs. He brightened. "At last! My frappuchino!" He dragged Juliet downstairs too to prevent her from killing someone, probably Artemis. She fumed as they left.

Artemis sat up. His eyes unexpectedly filled with tears.

_Not even a sandwich loves me._

But he felt some consolation at the knowledge that he would have friends tomorrow at school.

…Were they friends?...

He groaned and pulled out some homework from his teacher. Hmph. Only a review math worksheet. His jaw dropped suddenly. What were they learning?! He had known this ever since…ever since…what the…huh? This was _simple._

He breezed through it and then started to email Minerva about decorations and cake. There were, after all, so many delicious types, although he was fairly certain that Butler would like the Tres Leche cake and the shiny blue party hats. On that note, he decided to ask Holly to come over to finalize his decision too.

* * *

Holly came over, not looking thrilled. Arms folded, she gave him the universal girl posture for: "what do you want now?"

Artemis had a thin binder full of different possibilities. "Glad to see you, Holly. Now, to business."

Holly gaped. "That's it? No, 'Hey, long time no see!' or 'How's down under? Probably rejoicing that I haven't intervened lately, huh?'" She rolled her eyes.

Artemis looked at her exasperatedly. "Holly, Butler's birthday is in a few days. My parents don't know about this party because, well, not to sound degrading, but because of _you_."

Holly twirled her buzz baton. "No offense taken," she replied, but her teeth seemed to be clenched.

"Good. So I've decided that Juliet will help me with the cooking, which – "

Holly laughed. "Really? I wouldn't have thought she would help you at all, after you threw up on her."

Artemis glared at her. "She made me that sandwich, so she has no one to blame but herself," he said primly.

Holly snorted but motioned for him to continue.

"So I just need your opinion on cake, decorations, and location."

Holly shrugged. "Why not Minerva's?"

"Her house?" he asked thoughtfully. Holly nodded. "I was thinking more of an _outdoors_ location," he added.

Holly shrugged again. "Okay, fine, so where 'outdoors'?"

He shrugged too. "Oh, I don't know, maybe…oh…hmmm…"

Holly narrowed her eyes. "I can tell that you just want my consent, so spit it out, Mud Boy."

"Very well: the club golf course."

Holly's jaw dropped. "A…a _golf course_? But…why…there's just…what…" she babbled.

Artemis waited a few seconds until she was composed.

Her eyes became slits again. "I can see you have dozens of reasons _why_ you chose that particular place. Please, explain."

With a rather smug expression, he began. "If we have it around one o'clock in the morning, there are sure to be no interruptions. Besides, the country club will be no doubt closed and the course is so expansive that we can hide around a bend."

"And how will you drag Butler there?"

He smiled that oh-so-familiar smile. "Butler already thinks I have something up my sleeve, a new…_trick_."

"More like plot, probably."

"Yes, or that," he agreed.

Holly tilted her head thoughtfully. "It could work…"

Artemis smiled, exposing those vampire-like teeth. "Say it."

Holly rolled her eyes, smiling.

"Say it…" he coaxed, smile even wider.

"All right, all right…that was a bril – "

She was cut off by a sudden ringing from Artemis's room phone (not his exclusive cellphone). They stared at it.

"Aren't you going to pick it up?" Holly asked.

"No…no one calls me…except for Minerva, but she calls my cellphone…" he murmured.

Suddenly the answering machine kicked in. "Heeeeey, Artemis, just me, Chloe, here with the gals and guys." Giggles filled the background. "Just wondering if you'd, like, wanna come down to the mall or something. So just call me back or something!" There were whispers in the background and then a burst of laughter. "Hahaha! So yeaaaah, the cell's 739-8372!!! Be suuuuure to call back!" There was more giggling, a click, and then silence.

Holly coughed, attempting to disguise her amusement in vain. "Chloe? Your 'giiiiiiirlfriend'?" she asked, imitating the popular girl.

Artemis sighed and rolled his eyes at the same time (quite a feat). "_No_, Holly, just girls from school."

The phone rang again. The two were silent and allowed the machine to pick it up once again. "Ohhhh, haha, and I heard you have an iChat account? I'm sexy pony princess, except there's no 'e' in sexy and there's two 'z''s instead of two 's''s in princess. So it's actually more like…uhmmm…sixy pony princezzzzz. Yeah, your maid told me you have an account (and she gave me this number), although she sounded kinda angry…but it's all, like, whatever, haha, right? So anyway, be sure to add me to your buddy list!!!" She giggled. "Talk to ya tonight!" she squealed, and then there was another click to signify silence.

Holly snorted. "Haha. She sounded for a second like she was…_popular_ or something…like Frond…"

Artemis stared at her. "She is."

Holly blinked. "So, how about those decorations then?"

"Why the sudden change in topic?" he asked dryly.

"Oh, so you actually _like_ her. She's your friend, hmmm? Well, I just thought we'd better get a move on to, oh, you know, _business._"

Artemis was not amused. Holly sighed. "I get enough of Frond at work, Artemis; I don't want to have to put up with her Mud Clone. Although you two might make a very nice couple, you and _'Chloe.'_"

Artemis snorted. "On to business."

"To business."

And so Artemis shoved his personal issues aside and, for a very rare occasion, actually thought about someone else's happiness.

**Well? Okay, I know my profile says I wouldn't be able to post stuff but I'm on my parent's comp and I think I changed my mind. :D Haha. Anyway, watcha think? Review, and if you've got any suggestions for the "plot" then I'd be glad to consider them. I've just been writing what comes to me the whole past 4 chapters…well, except for the whole "Butler's surprise party." And yeah, the whole "Holly's in" thing was about the party, just so you know. :P **

**Hope you guys enjoyed the longer chapter! I didn't know what songs they listen to in Ireland but I thought I'd just make it whatever I was listening to. :P **

**_Kudos and hugs_ to Sarimia, Devouring Sarcasm Phantasm, littlegreenweirdo123, Queen Flowfeather, tardyarty, Belle07, HollyluvsArty, queen5657, baby green eyes, Little-Miss-Vamprechaun, paradisegurl101, knightedlioness, dappledsunlight, and Natalie-07.**

**Favorite Review Award: Natalie-07 (hands cinnamon muffin)**


	6. Of 32 Truffles, Chloe Sex, and Baby Talk

**A/N: PEOPLE. DO YOU REALIZE HOW GRATEFUL I AM TO YOU ALL?!?! This story now has 75 reviews. 75!!! Which is exactly 15 reviews per chapter!!! **

**Perhaps this means nothing to you talented, gifted writers who gather reviews by the bushel (if they come by the bushel.) But to me, this is a rather big achievement. So thank you, and maybe by the chapter after this one I'll have over A HUNDRED reviews!!! **

Artemis stared at his computer.

Holly and Minerva had left after agreeing with him about everything. He snorted. Typical, the way people left everything up to him. Although no one else would do things better…if Butler was to have a great surprise party, it would have to rest in his hands.

Artemis stared at his computer.

Slowly, as his eyes narrowed, he moved the mouse until it lay over an icon that said "iChat".

And then he pressed down on the mouse, which emitted a squeak. Darn Juliet and her tampering; why did she have to change it from the sensible click? She thought she was _soooo_ funny…well, she wouldn't find a missing paycheck very funny, either.

A window popped up. _Welcome to iChat AV. Please enter your screenname and password._

Artemis reluctantly typed in _Artyboy369_ and _hotrod369_. The data was analyzed and confirmed, and suddenly another window came up that read _Buddy List_ at the top. He selected _Add New Buddy_ and then, with a sigh, typed in _sxyponyprincezz_.

Immediately his Buddy List showed a green circle next to sxyponyprincezz, aka Chloe.

Yet _another_ window popped up. _Message from sxyponyprincezz_. Artemis clicked/squeaked "accept".

Sxyponyprincezz: OMGZZZZZ!!! Artyyyyy!!!

Artyboy369: hello

Sxyponyprincezz: whassup:P

Artyboy369: talking to you.

Sxyponyprincezz: hahaha, ur sooooo funny!!!

Artyboy369: I never thought that humor was one of my strong points, but thank you.

Sxyponyprincezz: dooood why not use chat speak?

Artyboy369: excuse me?

Sxyponyprincezz: sigh

Sxyponyprincezz: OMGGGGG HEEEEY ARTY LOVRRRRRR

Artyboy369: …hello again?

Sxyponyprincezz: itz ME, silly willy nilly, ali!

Artyboy369: Oh, hello, Ali.

Sxyponyprincezz: omgggzzzzz herez my new sn…takemyheartdontbreakitpleaseloveme

Artyboy369: That's very long.

Artemis stared at his screen. Wow. But he (reluctantly) added takemyheartdontbreakitpleaseloveme. His stomach was sinking and he was beginning to get a creeping sensation that this would only end badly.

Now he had three windows up: his Buddy List, sxyponyprincezz, and takemyheartdontbreakitpleaseloveme. And then, in a record breaking three minutes, he soon had twenty other SN's added. All of which belonged to popular people.

But they were all the _same_, he thought. "Omggggzzzz" and "lolllzzz!!" and ":P". He might as well have been talking to the same person twenty-two times!

He had better things to do. Unless…

Poking around, he soon had the unpopular girls' sn's. This ought to prove more interesting…

**Roxy: **narcoticxfishxflyer

**Em:** veritaserumlatte

**Tibby:** ckontowderdon32

**Chrissy:** polarbearpushpop

Roxy had been interesting, he had to admit, insulting the "populars" as she had.

Artyboy369: hello

Narcoticxfishxflyer: o.O who are you?

Artyboy369: Artemis Fowl the Second

Narcoticxfishxflyer: "edward".

Artyboy369: …no.

Narcoticxfishxflyer: I'll call you Edward, and you shall be my Edward!!!

Narcoticxfishxflyer: O.O That was Tibby. (slaps tibby for finding nemo randomness)

Artyboy369: …I see.

Narcoticxfishxflyer: See what?

Artyboy369: Never mind.

_Ckontowderdon32 has joined this chat._

Ckontowderdon32: OMG ITZ EDWARD!!! gasp

Artyboy369: …Tibby?

Ckontowderdon32: Yes?

Narcoticxfishxflyer: (bitch slaps tibby)

Ckontowderdon32: (bitch punches roxy)

Ckontowderdon32: muahahahaha!

Artyboy369: Never mind.

Narcoticxfishxflyer: make up your mind if you're gonna say something!

Ckontowderdon32: o.O I am on a diet.

Narcoticxfishxflyer: O.O why?

Ckontowderdon32: to get BUFF so I can be a model. DUH :P

Narcoticxfishxflyer: --

Artyboy369: Goodbye…

Artemis really didn't feel like leaving. As idiotic as these two were, he had to admit that they were amusing…but he did have more important things to do.

Ckontowderdon32: Haha, I think I scared him away…XD just jking about the diet thing, anyway.

Narcoticxfishxflyer: --

Ckontowderdon32: ur hurting my feelings. (sob) stop it!

Narcoticxfishxflyer: --

Suddenly a window popped up on Artemis's screen. _Audio_ chat? He had a bad feeling about what this was, but there was only one way to confirm his suspicions…

He clicked/squeaked with a wince.

"Whoaaaaa, hey Artemis Fowl the Second! Sorry, I didn't mean to click audio…" Tibby's voice filled his ears.

"Hello?" he asked slowly.

"Yeah, hey-"

"Is this Artemis Fowl the Second?" Roxy asked. She must have been sitting right next to Tibby.

"Yes…" Artemis said slowly. Just then Juliet walked in, wearing a scarily ferocious glare. If looks could kill, Artemis would have been a pile of cinders on his seat. (However, he would have been horrified by the thought of ashes on his seat and would have proceeded to jump off his seat which would have, actually, been committing suicide – even for a pile of cinders.)

"We need to talk, Artemis," she hissed. She held a box of chocolates in her hand.

Artemis glanced at her. "Yes, hold on a sec –"

She screeched, "_No! There is no sec!"  
_

"Who's thaaaaat?" teased Tibby.

"Probably Chloe," Roxy answered.

"Or Ali."

They both giggled.

Juliet glared at his screen. "Shut up, you two little freaks!!" she yelled, voice cracking to make her sound not unlike Tarzan.

"That's not very nice," Roxy said dryly.

"Is that Chloe?" whispered Tibby to Roxy. There was no reply, but Artemis imagined that Roxy was shrugging.

"_Say goodbye, Artemis."_ For an incredulous second, Artemis thought she was going to kill him somehow, but then realized she was telling him to quit iChat.

"They're going to have sex now," Roxy whispered to Tibby. They cracked up.

Juliet was going to explode.

"_AHHHHHHH!!!!"_ she screamed. Ninja-jumping over to the computer, she brought her hand down in a karate chop across the keyboard. She must have pressed a combination of keys because the computer immediately shut down.

The chocolate box was lying peacefully on his bed. Artemis's mouth watered, but then he realized that the last food item Juliet had brought him almost killed him. Artemis winced again.

Unfortunately Juliet saw him flinch and thought it was because of his computer. "What?" she panted. "You feel sawwy fo yo come-pewt-ah?" she asked in baby talk.

Artemis was coolly disdainful, untouched by her display of antics. "Calm yourself, Juliet."

"_Calm myself?! This boy – __**this boy**__ – gets me in trouble just because I bring him a __**sandwich**__! I can't watch Extreme Wrestling now for a __**month!! **__Drastic measures must be taken, and we are going to take them together!"_

Artemis looked at her suspiciously. "Have you been reading Mother's romance novels?"

Juliet hissed again. "Sit down by the chocolate box, Artemis."

Artemis sat down by the chocolate box.

"Do you know what those are?" she asked, suddenly calm.

He peeked under the lid. "Peruvian truffles."

Juliet grinned. Evilly. "Yes. Now, I want you to eat all of them."

Artemis arched an eyebrow. "As considerate as this is of you, Juliet, I must say that –"

Juliet frowned slightly. "Artemis, I feel so sorry for everything I've 'done' to you, that I really want to see you eat them. All 32 of them. Now."

Artemis opened his mouth to speak but then stuffed a truffle in his mouth instead. How could he not, when she adopted her ninja stance?

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Roxy looked at Tibby. "He is in great danger."

Tibby looked at Roxy, eyes wide. "I can't imagine…the horror…of having _sex_…with _Chloe_…"

Roxy narrowed her eyes. "That would be even worse for us, idiot, since that would be lesbian sex."

Tibby "ahhhh"ed in understanding.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Juliet left once the last truffle had painstakingly been swallowed. There was a victorious expression on her face.

Artemis would have his revenge…after he barfed the truffles back up.

"Arty! Dinner time!" Angeline called. Artemis groaned. They were eating earlier than usual; probably so she could probe into his first day of school as soon as possible. But no time to regurgitate the truffles…well, he just wouldn't be very hungry during dinner.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Angeline spread her napkin across her lap with a smile. "So, Arty, tell me all about your first day at school."

Artemis I looked at his son, interested, as he began to quietly eat/drink his tomato basil soup.

Artemis looked down at his own soup. He felt slightly nauseated from the chocolate, and seeing more tomato basil food just brought back bad memories of killer sandwiches.

"It went well enough," he started, taking a sip of water. He had to make his mind up quickly; was he going for the sarcastic angle, the truthful angle, or the lying angle?

"I met a nice group of friends," he added, choosing in between the last two angles.

His parents nodded, all smiles.

"The teachers are nice enough…" (He coughed here) "I can see that I'm going to have a great year in the, um…the chess club," he mumbled.

A look of tenderness came over his father's face. "Did you play today?"

Artemis stared at his father. "Yes. I beat everyone." Then, pushing back his chair, he commented, "I'm not feeling very well…rather dizzy…may I be excused?"

Angeline's smile turned to a frown of concern. "Come here, dear…" she said. Artemis did, and she felt his forehead. "You do feel a little warm…"

Artemis nodded. "I think I'll go to bed…"

Angeline nodded also. "I hope you feel better tomorrow…another day of school!" she said cheerfully.

Artemis rolled his eyes when he had turned his back on them as he marched up to his room.

Upon opening the door, he found Juliet sitting on his bed, hanging her head. Butler was right beside her, a stony look of anger on his face.

Artemis would have jumped in surprise if he was any other boy. But he was not any other boy, as we well know.

"Come in, Artemis." Butler was mad. Vewy, vewwy mad, to put it in Juliet's baby talk terms.

Artemis came in. "Can I help you two?" He would have snorted at the irony of the situation, him offering help to his bodyguards, but Butler was too serious and besides, he didn't want to hurt their feelings. Juliet was already in enough trouble, that was clear.

He didn't feel a bit of remorse at her being in "enough trouble" though.

"Juliet has something to say." Butler spoke through gritted teeth.

Juliet sighed and looked up at Artemis. "I'm very sorry that I made you eat food," she said while rolling her eyes. Butler glared at her. "Fine, fine, that I made you eat sugar." Butler glared. "That you ate chocolate." Butler – "So _much_ chocolate, then!"

Artemis stood up taller. "I appreciate your apology and forgive you, however, I would like you to get off my bed so I can rest as I fear I have hyperglycaemia from the truffles."

Butler was surprised, confused, then furious; his face should have been made the Eighth Wonder of the World. Even Juliet looked slightly guilty.

"My sugar intake was so much that I feel as if I have a fever due to blood sugar levels rising," he explained. Juliet hopped off of the bed, murmured a "sorry…" and left.

Butler turned away from Artemis as his charge changed into his pajamas. "I…I'm very sorry for what Juliet did, Artemis," he said firmly.

Artemis declined his head, buttoning up his night shirt. "It was…well, I can't say _well deserved_, but…well…"

Butler chuckled. "It won't happen again, I promise."

Artemis smiled. "Thank you. I would appreciate that."

Butler frowned. "Do you really have…hyper…glacier..ia?" he asked.

Now it was Artemis's turn to chuckle. "Hyperglycaemia, and yes, but it should be gone (or at least much better) in the morning. I just feel a bit weak and dizzy."

Reassured, Butler's frown vanished. Artemis climbed into bed. "Good night, Butler."

"Good night." Butler left.

Artemis was just closing his eyes when suddenly a girl's voice said mockingly, "Nighty night, Artemis!" Then a click came, followed by silence.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Tibby and Roxy, who were having a sleepover, were busy cracking up. They had heard the whole thing thanks to Juliet who had, unbeknownst to Artemis, quietly signed on to iChat and then proceeded to invite the two girls to an audio chat.

They had signed off once Tibby had said good night to Artemis. It was obvious that Artemis was not like most populars, and that he would be vewy, vewy fun to torment for the rest of the school year.

But gradually they stopped giggling as the moon rose and the stars twinkled and the clock ticked on endlessly…and soon they were all asleep, dreaming of their hearts' desires.

**A/N: Thanks for reading! Kudos to the ten reviewers from last chapter: Sarimia, Natalie-07, Belle07, tardyarty, baby green eyes, Elizashizzle, Alastor506, Ellemay, Devouring Sarcasm Phantasm, and paradisegurl101. I appreciate all the story alerts and favoriting and so on that you guys have done. :)**

**Favorite review award: paradisegurl101 (hands over gold spork)**

**Please review! I didn't like this chapter as much as some of the others but I did try to get a chapter out sooner and this is what came out. :P**


	7. Good Ghandi!

**A/N: Extra long chapter ahead! XD Thanks for the gym idea!**

Morning came too soon.

_Much_ too soon.

One moment the silence had noisily been droning on in his ears, the next he had been dreaming about a pole dancing dolphin under water. Strange. Very, very strange. Although even weirder had been that he was pole dancing too…he must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed (again), because he was already hissing, _"Darn you, puberty!"_

Butler came in. "Artemis, time to – oh." Once again, he had been too late; Artemis was slipping on the khaki pants and blue polo shirt, shaking his head to knock the disturbing dream out of his mind.

But once he had slipped the shirt on himself, he felt strangely exposed...

He glanced down.

And almost had a heart attack, although his hyperglycaemia was thankfully gone.

His shirt was about six inches too short and painfully tight.

So what did the great Artemis Fowl the Second do? Shriek girlishly, of course.

"_EEEEEEKKKKK!!!"_ he cried. Butler winced, clapping his hands over his ears. He would have laughed if the shriek hadn't been so piercing. A few seconds later dogs were barking in reply to the ultra-high sound, to take the place of crickets chirping.

Artemis was trying to tug his shirt down. He glanced up at Butler, eyes full of panic and fear. "What is wrong with these shirts, Butler? I – I – they were fine before, when Mother got them and came home with them and – and – and then I think she, oh, what did she do, she put them in the wash except for…" Realization struck him. "Except for the pair I wore yesterday…" he whispered.

Butler was confused. "What?"

Artemis's voice rose. "The wash, Butler! It hates me! It wants to kill me and embarrass me! GO SHOOT IT!"

Butler rolled his eyes and went to a cabinet in the boy's room, where he found a small capsule full of white pills. "Here you go, Artemis. Caaaaaaaalm down…breeeeathe…it's going to be okay…"

Artemis swallowed loudly while trying to find his inner place of peace. Alliteration usually calmed him down, you see. _Purple ponies prance playfully…purple ponies prance playfully…purple ponies never panic…_But 'never' was not alliteration with his 'p' theme, and so immediately Artemis collapsed onto the floor and began rocking back and forth.

His shirt was too small. It was constricting him, cutting off his circulation. His dream was coming true, oh Ghandi, he was destined to become a deep-sea pole dancer…

Suddenly a dark shadow engulfed him and two strong hands hauled him up. "Artemis!" barked Butler. "Get yourself together! I will be right back, okay?" Artemis nodded. But as soon as Butler left, Artemis fell onto the floor and started rocking again. _Flaming firemen frisk ferociously, flaming firemen frisk ferociously close to circulation-cutting clothing…_Ghandi's knuckles, this was _not_ working.

He took a few deep breaths. _Now, focus,_ he chided himself. _Why is this so horrible, that your shirt is too small?_

_One: It could be a sign from the heavens that I'm meant to become a pole dancer._

_Two: The kids at school will laugh at me._

_Three: I'll get demerits or detention from the teachers._

_Four: A dolphin – _

"Artemis!" thundered Butler. "_On your feet!"_

It was times like these when Artemis remembered Butler's long weapons/martials art track record. Needless to say, Artemis got on his feet. Good Ghandi, he felt like he was choking again.

_How do girls stand to wear shirts like this?_ he wondered.

Uh-oh. Butler had a bucket with him. A biiiiiig bucket of water. Lots and lots of water.

"Now, the situation here is quite clear: either you wear a jacket over that or you wear the clothes you wore yesterday."

Artemis's eyes widened. Butler gave him a warning look.

"_Or_ you can wear a suit."

Artemis calmed down. He couldn't get detention for wearing a _suit_! He had logic on his side. Besides, those teachers were foolish anyway. Artemis Fowl would show _them._

"So. Is the situation clear?" Butler asked threateningly.

Artemis's thin smile flickered. "Yes…" he said faintly. _Safe from the bucket of water! _"But Butler…" Butler paused as he left the room. "I won't end up a pole dancer, will I?" he moaned. He needed sympathy here, and if anyone was going to give him sympathy, it would be –

A bucket of freezing water splashed him full in the face, hitting him as hard as a slap. Eyes closed while mouthing like a brainless fish, Artemis stood there in shock. Butler allowed himself a small smile. "You won't if you hurry up to get to school on time," he said, not able to keep the amusement out of his voice.

Wiping the water from his face with a hand, Artemis sputtered, finally spitting out water that had been in his mouth. His "uniform" was soaked and his hair was dripping all over the floor. But as he fetched a towel and began to dry himself off, he considered which suit he should wear. Black or navy blue, black or navy blue?

This is a simple decision, he thought. Which one would –

Unbidden, his dream from last night popped back up in his head.

Which one would the underwater pole-dancing dolphin wear?

At first his features scrunched up in disgust, but then he reconsidered. Of course – navy blue! Satisfied, he began to pull his suit out from the closet. The thought of his teachers' expressions made him chuckle quietly; the sweet taste of inconformity lay on his tongue like brown sugar.

* * *

As school started at eight o'clock, Angeline was still asleep. She normally slept in until eleven o'clock, by which point Artemis would be well into his school day. Needless to say, she was not eating breakfast with Artemis. His father was also sleeping, so Artemis was eating alone with Juliet while Butler woke the chauffeur up. 

The man would probably sleep with an alarm clock after today, Artemis thought mercilessly.

Juliet glared at him as he munched softly on his buttered toast. "What?" the boy asked her, annoyed.

Juliet shook her head but still said nothing, just continued eating her Lucky Charms.

Artemis sighed. "Juliet, your presence is not welcome if you continue to emit such…_distasteful_…vibes."

Juliet shook her head again. "_Distasteful vibes?"_ she hissed. "I'm only going to say this to you once: watch your back. Because when Butler's not around…" She coughed as Butler walked in the room.

Artemis shivered. It was not the tepid room temperature.

"Time to go, Artemis," Butler said, grabbing the boy's backpack and heading out again to the car.

Artemis nodded to his bodyguard and then turned back to Juliet once Butler had left. "I'm sorry if I injured your pride by regurgitating on you, but I assure you that it was an accident. I need full cooperation from everybody who will be present at Butler's surprise party, and seeing as how you are a guest that includes you," he said primly, dabbing at his mouth with a napkin.

Juliet, sensing a genuine apology underneath his voice, nodded reluctantly. "Fine."

"Truce, then," Artemis said as he stood up. It was not a question

"Truce," Juliet allowed, mouth pursed. Artemis nodded to her and then left.

Juliet glared at his half eaten toast on the plate across from her that she was now supposed to put away. "Little know-it-all, conservative brat."

* * *

Butler looked at his charge. "Do you think you'll get in trouble?" 

Artemis was now composed, disgusted with his previous antics. "Butler, perhaps you recall my exclamations prior to starting school about how my suits are more conservative than the uniforms themselves? Well, _that_ is what will hit the teachers if they try to stop me."

Butler chuckled. "Stop you? They'll hardly make you take it off, Artemis."

Artemis sighed. "These people are unpredictably stupid, Butler. Who knows what goes through their minds…"

As he had woken up slightly late and had been…preoccupied…longer than normal with what to wear, he arrived just in time for role call.

"McCarthy, Helen…"

"Here."

"Muller, Chloe…"

"Puh-rehs-ehnt…" Chloe said, sticking her hand up in the air with her wrist dropped. She giggled to the other girls.

The teacher glanced up at her for a second but then marked her off.

Artemis listened from outside the room. He had, to his surprise, butterflies in his stomach. _Oh, grow up!_ he told himself with a sneer, and then opened the door.

Everyone's eyes were on him, and he stared back coolly. Chloe, Ali, and other popular girls were instantly bunched together, whispering while smiling and giggling, no doubt about his attire. The teacher raised his eyebrows.

"Fowl, Artemis the Second?" the teacher asked disdainfully.

"McClafferty, Blake?" Artemis shot back.

They stared at each other for a few seconds.

"Why aren't you in proper uniform, young man?" the normally nice young teacher asked. (But after being embarrassed yesterday by this kid, he wasn't sure how much more he was going to take from him…)

"An…_unfortunate_…turn of events required that I wear either this or a shrunken uniform," Artemis sarcastically informed him.

Gleefully, Mr. McClafferty said, "Ahhhh, but I think you could have dealt with a bit of…well, tightness. Boys these days are known to wear things too loose."

"Not if you wanted to see this much skin," Artemis sneered, motioning with his hand to where the shirt had come down to on his skin.

The class laughed approvingly. Obviously they were with anyone revolting against the school system.

"I don't like boys who exaggerate, you know," the teacher lied. Hypocrite.

"It's a good thing that I don't exaggerate, then, isn't it?" Artemis said primly and sat down.

Mr. McClafferty was not finished with him though. "Perhaps, but what I'm wondering is _how_ you managed to just have a suit in your closet," he said, narrowing his eyes. He came over and planted his hands on the side of his desk.

"Oh, I always wear Armani suits," Artemis explained, face clear of any emotion except innocence. "It was between this navy blue or black, but I felt that this one…conforms to my skin better. After all, I don't like to wear apparel too loose," he said, mocking the teacher subtly.

The teacher stared at him, judging. "Detention, Mr. Fou-uhl," he said, pronouncing the vowels more than normal.

For a second Artemis almost rose angrily but forced himself to calm down. "May I inquire as to why?"

The teacher meandered back to his desk. "No."

Artemis chuckled with deadly calm and quiet. "I hadn't thought I'd enrolled in a Communist school…"

The other kids were dead quiet, their sea of eyes tennis balls in an intense rally.

The teacher glared at him. "For speaking back to a teacher like you have been and are now. _That's_ why."

Artemis looked the man in the eyes, and for a second saw a flicker of fear. _This man is nothing,_ he thought. _I will crush him._ Mentally, he shook his head. He'd been watching too many robot movies..."Then you won't mind me showing the _President_ this conversation on a tape recorder, I trust?"

Mr. McClafferty looked down at the ground to his left side. "Why don't you go and show him now?" he said quietly, not believing the boy had recorded it. He looked back up at his troublesome student.

Artemis rose, backpack and all. Everyone watched him leave, although he paused once he was in the doorway and looked back. "My clothing is more conservative than yours," he said, allowing amusement to fill his voice. Then he left before any reply could be made, probably about the man's slacks and aloha shirt.

Walking away, he heard the stomping of feet and clapping of hands. _Hero,_ he remarked, declining his head slightly in a smug gesture, and continued on his way with a smirk.

* * *

The President was not a complete idiot. He knew that this boy, Artemis Fowl the Second, was very intelligent and very rich. Rich people usually find a way to get what they want, but intelligence makes it almost impossible for them not to. So when Artemis wandered into the office, all business in his suit, he thought that there was some business proposition, but certainly not trouble with the teacher. 

Of course, Artemis _had _been recording the class, just in case the teacher had decided to put up a fight. _Always have a back up plan_ he told himself, and this was it.

_Knock knock._

"Come in," the President called.

Artemis came in. Enter various thoughts flashing through the President's mind.

"Hello Artemis, how are you?" A white, perfect grin flashed on the man's face. Artemis was annoyed.

"I'm fine, besides being sent here," he remarked, looking around the room without interest. Lack of style; drab.

The President nodded. "Ahhhh, and would this have anything to do with your clothing?"

"Yes," he said curtly, and took a seat in the stiff wooden one. Horrid desk, not even a replica or antique…hideous chair; big isn't always better…

"Well, I'll get straight to the point then." He smiled. "Why aren't you in uniform?"

Artemis sighed. "As I explained to the teacher, mine shrunk in the wash." A thought struck him: Juliet. "Up to here," he added, motioning again to where the shirt had come down too.

The President chuckled. "We can't have you wearing that, now can we!"

Artemis said nothing.

"Well, is that all the matter then?"

Artemis nodded and rose. The President opened his mouth to tell him to sit, that he wasn't finished with him because he still had to lecture him on the importance of uniforms, but then closed it. This was a Fowl, remember.

By the time he had shut his mouth the door was closed.

* * *

One word: _gym_. 

Artemis knew that he had promised to order a gym for his home at some point in a (pathetic) attempt to utilize his muscles. Well, things had distracted him and sooner or later he just…forgot.

Conveniently, though.

So to have to run a mile on the second day of school was _not_ improving his sour mood. Ask him to decode the crown jewel's top-security vault in England, he could do it. Ask him to do five pull-ups…out of the question. No questions asked.

The teacher would have to be dealt with. He had a grudge against Artemis ever since laying eyes on him.

* * *

_(Flashback to the beginning of gym, last class of the day)_

"_Into the gym, everyone! Come on, pick up those feet! No shuffling in my class!" barked the short, pudgy man who was shepherding everyone into the gym. After changing in the locker rooms, Artemis and the rest of his class were dressed in shorts (jocks wearing extremely long pairs) and loose tanktops – blue and blue. Horrible style,_ _Artemis thought with disgust. Giorgio Armani would never have stood for it._

_But soon they were all sitting down in a cluster as the teacher, Mr. Bruce (they didn't need to know his last name, apparently, because boys these days were known to pull off punk pranks to teacher's homes), talked about his star career in the "olden days"._

_Just when the boys were starting to doze off comfortably, Mr. Bruce shouted, "UP! UP, I said! We'll be running a mile and then having a short assessment period. Check in with me on the way out." The boys groaned but seemed to have expected it. Artemis, however, was fuming. __**How**__ had he let his parents talk him into this???_

"_Michaels, Bruce…nice name, he he. You'll be trying out for the team, I expect?" Mr. Bruce actually __**liked**__ this kid. Probably a star jock, Artemis assumed._

_They all stepped up in line as one by one they were checked off on Mr. Bruce's clipboard._

"_Fowl, Artemis…oh, so __**you're **__that fancy-pants new rich kid, huh?" The short man leaned in, baring yellow teeth. His breath was as lethal as Butler's karate or Juliet's spicy curry. Artemis didn't reply. "Quiet, then. Well, just know that I'll be watching you, boy." With two fingers he pointed to his eyes and then Artemis's. _

_Artemis scoffed, hastily disguising it as a cough. "You can run extra if you like!" the teacher shouted after him. But Artemis was hastily running up the ramp outside the gym up into the sunshine of the track._

_Once they were all gathered up there, stretching and jogging in place (except for Artemis, who was standing with arms folded), Mr. Bruce, who was panting from walking up the ramp, took out his stop watch and whistle. "You will begin in five…four…" The boys, startled, quickly gathered up by the black line. "Three…two…GO!" _

_In a hustle of moving bodies, they lurched forward like a school of fish. Artemis, estimating the size of the oval track, determined that four laps was a mile. Well, he could do that easily. Four laps…four laps…_

_The sun was blazing hot. Sweat drops rolled down the back of his neck as the red paving of the track swam in front of his eyes. His breath was ragged, coming out in quick panting. Mind blank, he focused on keeping one foot in front of the other. Again. And again. And again. Time had slowed to a crawling pace, inching forward as if the LEP had frozen it._

_He was acutely aware of the other boys passing him. Even Nerd King passed him after a while, smirking at Artemis. His tongue was too thick to think of a smart reply and his legs wouldn't move any quicker. _

_After another turn he found Mr. Bruce yards ahead of him, scowling. The man's face screwed up and he screamed, "COME ON, FOWL! THEY'RE LAPPING YOU OUT THERE! MOVE THAT STUPID BEHIND OF YOURS AND YOU MOVE IT __**NOW!!!**__"_

_Artemis was having serious second thoughts about the simplicity of running a mile. First lap down…_

* * *

And so finally, after twelve minutes and forty-six of pure torture, he completed a mile. 

He could picture Juliet taunting him at home if she discovered his time. _Awww, poor Arty! Why don't you join Runner's Anonymous? 'Hello, my name is Artemis and I can't run a mile under __**ten minutes!!**__' Cue cackling._

Artemis groaned. She would _not_ find out.

Bruce, the jock, came up to him. "Budd-_y_. What was that? Twelve minutes?" He laughed jokingly.

Artemis swept his hair from his eyes. "I…haven't run in a while," he muttered, blushing. Fortunately it blended right in with his furiously pink cheeks.

The other boy mmhmmmed understandingly. "Yeah, I mean, it's not like anyone runs during summer, haha. Only weights for me, man!" He flexed his huge triceps.

Artemis thought he was going to faint when he heard that even though there wouldn't be time to complete the fitness assessment, he would have to do push-ups. As if the stench wasn't enough of deoderant and sweat wasn't enough! He would have punched Mr. Lipton if he had been there…if he had the strength.

Mr. Bruce ordered them down onto the grass beside the track. They all dropped down. "Begin on my mark…now!" He tweeted the whistle. The annoyingly shrill shriek resonated in Artemis's ears. Artemis watched the other boys in amazement as they rapidly went up and down, up and down.

Mr. Bruce nodded in pleasure at the jocks, then spotted him sitting there on the grass. Again, his face twisted. "FOWL! Why aren't you on the ground?!" he demanded.

The answer was simple: Artemis didn't know what a push up was.

But he was _certainly_ not stupid enough to tell the man that. Flipping himself over, he tried to imitate the other boys' form. Instantly his muscles screamed, crying out for salvation. Gritting his teeth and closing his eyes, Artemis completed four under his teacher's stern, watchful eye.

Turning back to the class, he dismissed them. But he had a few words to say to Artemis, who was slowly picking himself up off the grass.

Artemis watched the other's leave behind Mr. Bruce's back, laughing and joking.

_Free._

"Fowl, I get a few…_runts_…each year. But never – _NEVER_ – have I had one as _pathetic_ as you." He shook his head. "Twelve minute and forty-six second mile? You've set a record. Four _horribly_ executed push ups? DISGRACEFUL, I say!" He studied Artemis, who had set himself in stone. He leaned in for the second time that day. "Would you like me to inform your parents of this, Fowl?"

Artemis, breathing through his mouth shallowly in a futile attempt to avoid the man's stench, shook his head.

"Very well. I want to see a drastic improvement, _Fowl_," he spat out, "before next class. Am I understood?"

Artemis nodded. He wouldn't be there next class, that he was sure of.

And with that, he was done. Vanishing. He walked as briskly as he could down to change; hardly any boys were still in the locker rooms. Except Nerd King, who couldn't resist but poke at him on his way out.

A sneering face appeared to the side of his locker. "Yes?" Artemis asked icily.

"Soooo, special words with Mr. Bruce-ster, hmm?" He chuckled wickedly. "_Girls_ run faster than you, Fowl."

Artemis glared at his receding back, a cold fury possessing his body. Once again, he was determined; with that, he made up his mind to run. He would beat that ignoramus. He _would, _as his name was Artemis Fowl the Second. But he would need a trainer...he sighed. Hiring one would be so simple, but then Juliet would inquire and nose around, leading to her eventual knowledge of his lack of athletic skills. Well, he'd just have to ask around then...

* * *

Sxyponyprincezz: run? U wanna run? Ewwwww haha sweat. XO 

Artyboy369: Never mind.

* * *

Brucesterhotty: duuuuude id train u but im 2 busy for the team, gotta be 1st string hahaha 

Artyboy369: Right. The team.

* * *

takemyheartdontbreakitpleaseloveme: ARTYYYYY!!!! OMGGGZZZ HIIII!!!! XD XD XD 

Artyboy369: bye.

* * *

Veritaserumlatte: hey artemis! 

Artyboy369: Em?

Veritaserumlatte: yeah, hey

Artyboy369: do you run?

Veritaserumlatte: yeah, I love it :D

Artyboy369: will you…

Artemis paused before typing more. He took a deep breath, the anguish of the mile fading into the back of his mind. _Just ask._

Artyboy369: will you train me?

Veritaserumlatte: train you to _run?_

Artyboy369: yes.

Veritaserumlatte: im not that good…sry.

Artyboy369: oh. ok. thanks anyway.

Veritaserumlatte: hey, wait, ask tibby.

Artyboy369: ckontowderdon32?

Veritaserumlatte: yeah, shes really fast.

Veritaserumlatte: she came in second for our grade last year at cross country

Artyboy369: thanks...

Excited and nervous with his lead, Artemis waited patiently for Tibby to come online. She came on a bit…strong…but she was interesting and if she was fast, she could train him to beat the pants off Nerd King. He could explain his motivation to her also, as she knew Nerd King and would surely understand his plight.

Ckontowderdon32: Artyyyy!

_Finally._

Artyboy369: hello. I need a favor.

Ckontowderdon32: what is it?

Artyboy369: I need you to train me to run the mile. Fast.

Ckontowderdon32: -igglesnort- why?

Artyboy369: because.

Ckontowderdon32: what do i get out of it?

Artyboy369: …well…what did you have in mind?

He sighed. She wanted to _negotiate_. This was bringing back memories of past informants…

Ckontowderdon32: just jking, i dont need anething. just confirmation.

Artyboy369: confirmation?

He raised an eyebrow.

Ckontowderdon32: that ur not going to give up. that ull TRY.

Artyboy369: of course I'll _try!_

Ckontowderdon32: o.O no need to get all defensive. just tell me that ull try ur hardest. and do what I tell u. exactly. i cant stand it when people give up and dont push themselves.

Artyboy369: fine.

_This better be worth the physical exertion..._

Ckontowderdon32: after school tomorrow at the track then.

Artyboy369: exactly after school?

Ckontowderdon32: -- after school is after school, idiot.

Artyboy369: ignoramus

Ckontowderdon32: loser.

Artyboy369: nerd.

Ckontowderdon32: ditto

Artyboy369: touché.

_You can't deny what you are,_ he thought, and started on his homework, unable to hide the small smile that lit up his face. _Genius._

**A/N: Okay, okay, kill me, I KNOW this chapter was very ooc. Shoot me! -thinks- Actually, please don't. e he...**

**PEACE & LOVE to the reviewers from last chapter: PanzerBun 2.0, annatari.the.writer, Ellemay, Elizashizzle, Pepper Lemon, Belle07, the quintessence of wyrd, Little-Miss-Vamprechaun, commix-freak, Alastor506, shewolf51, Sarimia, paradisegurl101, tardyarty, Devouring Sarcasm Phantasm, wingsgirl1313, and baby green eyes!!!**

**Favorite Review Award: Devouring Sarcasm Phantasm (hands gold spork) Now you don't have to make one:P**


	8. I DON'T LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND

**A/N: We return to Foaly, Holly, and Root! But the theme of this chapter: GIRLFRIENDS.**

Foaly was sulking. How could Root take away his hidden camera, _just_ as it was starting to get good at Artemis's school? Well, he had no proof of that; all that had happened was a feud between Juliet and Artemis. He could have used information on the boy genius as black mail at some point, but Julius simple did _not_ understand "forceful persuasion".

Wait. That didn't make sense; Julius loved blackmail! But at the moment he was not pleased with Foaly spying on Mud Boys rather than working on the latest intelligence. So now he was sitting there, _bored._ Well…perhaps…Julius would never know…

Foaly grinned. He promptly activated the room's lockdown mode. Okay, good, Julius couldn't get in. Now...with some typing and tapping away (and a bit of clicking), Foaly breached the school's security camera system. He selected the video of Artemis's class and was about to watch, but then saw a video from the previous day with a small star by it. Curious, he clicked on it.

Foaly chuckled as he watched Artemis's uniform problems. This kid was a born leader! He'd have the kids on a strike against school soon. Foaly sighed. He did love a good –

"FOALY!!!!" The said centaur grinned. Root, or should he say, Julius.

He wheeled around in his chair. "Julius! My best fwend!" He cackled.

The puffing, red-faced LEP captain was pounding on the door, howling. "FOALY, OPEN THE DOOR THIS MINUTE OR – OR – OR YOU'RE **FIRED!!!**"

Foaly bit into a carrot and waved. This was the…oh, yes, the 5,497th time that he had been threatened about being fired, and to be frank he was sure that he was indispensable to the LEP.

Foaly smiled at Julius, but to his surprise the captain's expression changed, and he just stared at him thoughtfully. Then he shrugged and grinned (somewhat evilly, it must be said) back at Foaly.

That was when Foaly knew he was in deep, _deep_ trouble.

"Foaly? I've got a new best fwend," he cackled, imitating the centaur. "And she's going to take your place for the next week. Consider yourself suspended, to put it in Mud Boy's school terms. You need to get it through that thick cranium of yours that you are _not_ indispensable and that I am _not_ joking about firing you. Now get out of that office before I send a troll to do it for you," he threatened, eyes gleaming maliciously. Foaly gulped. Who would be replacing him? They wouldn't be able to figure out his passwords: Caballine. None of them even knew her…he shrugged. Better to let them struggle!

He turned back to the computer, although he couldn't disguise the slight pain in his heart. Foaly the centaur wasn't quite as useful as he thought he was…he shook his head. He'd be back in a week, that was all…but who was the moron that would be replacing him?

He shut down the computer after de-activating the room lockdown. Then he tried the door. His eyes widened, and he pushed harder on the door. Foaly raced back to the computer and turned it back on. Root, who was not very amused with this little game and was standing with his hands on his hips, shouted, "GET OUT, PONY BOY! YOU'VE GOT A REPLACEMENT!"

Foaly typed in the password over and over again, but a single message came up on the screen: SECURITY BREACHED.

Foaly shrieked and clutched his tinfoil hat. "Whatever will I do…?" he moaned. He raced over to the door and started to bang on it. "ALIEN INVASIOOOOON!" he screamed.

Root rolled his eyes and pulled the door open, but it wouldn't go. Then _his_ eyes widened. "FOALY…!!!"

"It's not my fault! Someone broke into my computer!" he raged. Then he stopped as he saw someone walk into the office, as pretty as a field of ponies – poppies. He blushed.

Caballine walked up. "Sorry to have broken into the computer, Root, but I needed the access codes. Whoever I'm replacing seemed to have _me_ as the password!" She giggled. Root grinned devilishly.

"Would you mind de-activating lockdown, Caballine? We need to release our current…" He motioned to Foaly.

The last thing Foaly saw before black smoke smothered his sight completely was Caballine's mouth open in surprise. He didn't feel himself collapse and hit the floor. He just felt cold.

* * *

Another day of school. Artemis's brow furrowed. This charade of…of, well, normality, was beginning to irk him. He was not normal and everyone around him knew it. Why was he pretending? He didn't enjoy the teachers, classrooms, subjects, or even much the fellow students. They were mediocre, and he was extraordinary.

He made up his mind as he opened the window to let in fresh air. He would not be attending school today. He grinned. Mr. Bruce and McClafferty would not be pleased, but their happiness was not in his interests at all; rather, only their pain was worth something.

He turned on the radio on a whim. Immediately an anxious voice alerted listeners: "_Yes, it's roaring, Mike, you can actually __**hear**__ the fire crackling. We've estimated ten lives lost in the blaze, but as it started in the night there could be more bodies undiscovered. Firemen are on the scene but –"_

Artemis turned it off, a simple explanation forming in his brain. He just needed _where_…

He quickly sat down in front of his computer. Tapping away onto the Internet he discovered a news article on the fire from today's morning paper. Perfect location! He quickly pulled up one of his many hidden email accounts and proceeded to compose an "online letter"…

_Artemis will be unable to attend school today as the fire is – _

He paused. His after school meeting with Tibby! Artemis sighed. He was afraid that if he didn't start running today he would put it off forever. With a groan he closed the windows and got dressed. Another day of school, and only to beat the head of a chess club at running. Stupid, stupid, stupid, he chided himself, but only felt more idiotic after.

Just then he paused. He heard a murmur – "How long have you been here, Holly?" he asked dryly.

A shimmer in the corner of his room suddenly transformed into a child-sized elf. "Just got here," she said. Surprisingly, she wasn't smiling.

"What's the problem?" he asked, pulling off his shirt. Holly had the decency to not blush; she had lived in close quarters with males before and was used to small perimeters of privacy.

Holly sighed and flew over by him and plopped down onto his bed. "It's Foaly." She paused, waiting for a reaction. When she didn't get one she continued. "He…well…at the risk of sounding like a Mud Girl, I'm worried about him. He…well, today Caballine replaced him. He's on suspension for a week after…well, he's really crushed…" _Now _she blushed; no need to let the Mud Boy know that he was being spied on, although he had probably known.

Artemis, done changing into his (new) properly fitted uniform, turned to her. He was not pleased. "Holly, are you telling me that you came to me because you're _worried _about Foaly's _feelings?"_ His eyebrows were furrowed and his lips were pressed together.

Holly studied Artemis with a small frown. "That's not all, Artemis. Surely you're mature enough to realize that? It's just…it doesn't feel _right, _having someone else hacking and researching and inventing besides Foaly. It only happened this morning, but…I don't know. She's…different." Artemis opened his mouth to speak but was cut off. "Artemis, Root _likes_ her. He's grinning now, and he usually only does that when he's causing someone pain that he really doesn't like!" She searched for words but came up with air. "I don't know, I just don't know."

Artemis sighed. "Do you think she's like Koboi?"

Holly shrugged. "I just don't know! She was – I don't know, is? – Foaly's girlfriend. He trusted her, and that's something, coming from a centaur who wears a foil hat on his head…" She let out a humorless giggle. "But then again, she's –"

"She's the first centaur that's ever been interested in him. Of course, he's probably smitten." Artemis rolled his eyes in disgust. "Women."

Holly raised her eyebrows. "Excuse me?"

Artemis blushed. "I mean…never mind, nothing." He shook his head quickly.

Holly smiled a bit. Then she returned to the matter at hand. "I know it's not really anything to worry about, but I just thought that I should keep you updated in case it develops into something. I mean, Foaly _fainted._"

Artemis snorted but had the decency to try and hide it with a cough. He nodded. "Thanks, Holly." He wasn't sure why he said it when he was the one who was helping her, but it seemed appropriate somehow. Perhaps because he was important enough to know what was going on: she _trusted_ him. It was a nice, warm feeling.

She nodded. "I'll see you at the…" She mouthed party. Then she stepped onto the windowsill. "By the way, how are you going to get to school with that fire in the way?"

Artemis shrugged.

Holly grinned mischievously.

Artemis's eyes narrowed in suspicion. And as usual (if not always), his suspicion was correct.

* * *

"There it is!" Artemis shouted into the wind, pointing to the school. He couldn't believe that she had talked him into being clipped to her Moon Belt again. He'd forgotten how the wind had stung his face – or was that from the fire?

"No need to shout, Mud Boy, I can hear perfectly fine," she said. She grinned. She loved seeing Artemis when he was weak and nauseated. They were both invisible to human eyes and the smoke from the massive fire only helped. She set him down on the street, a few houses from the school.

She grinned as he stumbled a few paces, his green face slowly changing back to the normal white. "Have fun at school, Mud Boy. Say hi to the to-be birthday boy for me."

Then she was gone.

Artemis took a few deep breaths before starting off for school. His hair was a mess and his cheeks were red from the excitement of flying but other than that he was normal. Slinging his backpack over his shoulder, he started off for class. According to his watch, he was early.

"Artemis! Hey, _Artemis_!" someone called. He whirled around to find Chrissy and Tibby walking up from a bus stop as their bus drove away. He waited for them impatiently as they walked up quickly.

"Hey!" Chrissy said breathlessly. Tibby grinned, but her smile faded to disbelief as she examined his loafers.

She groaned. "Artemis, how are you supposed to run in those?" He looked down at his shoes. They were designer; what was wrong with them?

He expressed his thoughts and she sighed as she rolled her eyes. "You can't _run_ in those, silly!"

Artemis waited patiently for an explanation. He was Artemis Fowl the Second; contrary to popular belief, he could do anything.

"They're not running shoes! At the least you need sneakers."

Artemis wrinkled his nose. Sneakers were disgusting, silly things for jocks and athletes. Not for geniuses.

"And don't tell me that they're only for jocks or something because that doesn't help your argument as your new friends are jocks, thus making you one. Therefore –"

Artemis cut in. "Being with someone doesn't make you like them."

"But in this case it does, Artemis. It's _high school._ We're conforming to our friends, our groups! Duh!" she said. She and Chrissy laughed.

Artemis glared at her and started walking to school. The girls caught up to him again. "Great, now the great Artemis Fowl the Second is annoyed, and just because he was wrong."

Artemis kept walking, teeth clenched. "I was not wrong."

Tibby sighed. "It's _high school, _Artemi –"

He wheeled on her angrily and seethed, "_I am not normal! I am not average! _I…I don't know why I'm even in this high school." He turned around and started walking.

Tibby was shocked, but she and Chrissy caught the hint and, walking silently, passed him.

Artemis picked up his pace and caught up to them. Slowly he got in front of them.

Increasing their speed to as fast as they could go without jogging, the girls drew level with him again and passed him.

Face calm, Artemis started jogging to school. Chrissy and Tibby giggled as they slowed down to a normal walking pace, laughing at the strange boy.

Artemis felt like…exploding. His breath was heavy but not because of the running alone. He could have stopped jogging but then would have looked like an idiot, so he continued to jog up to class.

Chloe, hawk that she was, caught sight of him. "Artyyyy!" she squealed. Artemis veered off to meet her. That ought to annoy Tibby and Chrissy.

"Hello," he said, acting as cheerful as possible. She smiled even wider. Then, to his extreme surprise, entwined her arm around his. She pulled him with her to take a walk.

"Artemis, I've been thinking."

_Uhoh._ _Well, her brain hasn't exploded yet…_

"I really like you…"

_-sigh-_

"And I'm sure that I've felt a connection between us, meaning that you must like me."

_Uh-oh. No! No! I don't!_

Artemis opened his mouth to speak but she cut him off. "So from now on, we are officially dating!" she squealed.

Artemis's eyes widened. No. No. NO!

He would have protested just then in the empty hallway but found himself cut off as she wrapped her arms around him and pressed her face against his.

He fumbled, clumsily placing his hands on her waist. Her lips were against his but he didn't know what to do, so gently pressed against her. He felt her smile against him.

And found it quite disturbing.

Pulling her away as gently as possible, he managed to stutter, "C-class…"

Chloe winked. "We'll just be a little late…" Then she took his hand and pulled him over to a closet. A _closet!_ She flipped a switch (which she found suspiciously quickly), turning on a lightbulb, which revealed a large janitor's closet with supplies on the shelves. She shut the door behind him and pulled his backpack onto the floor. Artemis was at an utter loss, his brain having shut down when she mentioned the connection between them.

She wrapped her arms around him once again, but this time put her hands under his shirt. Artemis gasped at her cold touch on his back but decided that the appropriate thing to do would be to do the same with her.

That was a mistake.

She squealed. "Artemis! So you _have_ had experience!" She giggled and, deciding he wanted to be more intimate, pulled his shirt off. Artemis was now shivering in the cold air conditioning but thought that if he kissed her until she was a little more satisfied, then it would be okay to go. He didn't want to _hurt_ her after all. He didn't know his own strength.

Suddenly she was on him again, groping and touching and kissing. Artemis stood there stiffly, hands glued to her waist as her lips barraged his face and neck.

He mentally groaned. How was he in this situation?

But he had to admit, his teenage hormones were feeling quite satisfied…

He cursed himself. Why was he at school?

He thought of the irony. He was at school but he wasn't in class. Oh Ghandi, this was messed up.

Minutes passed until finally he managed a weak smile and murmured, "Okay…uhm…okay…yeah, that's…that's enough…" Then he crammed into his shirt hurriedly and retrieved his backpack. Chloe fixed her hair and smoothed her shirt and skirt. They slipped out into the hallway.

"Are we l-late?" Artemis stammered. Chloe shrugged.

"I dunno…not like it matters though, hmmm?" Then she kissed him one more time before slipping into the classroom. Artemis followed.

He felt sick. What had just happened? Who was he? Was he sick? Was he still flying? The room rolled.

Artemis raised his hand, sitting down, as Mr. McClafferty continued to take roll call. The man sighed. "Yes, _Artemis_?" Clearly he still held a grudge.

Perhaps it was the stress of Holly's news (doubtful). Perhaps it was the flight over to school (probably). Perhaps it was the smoke from the fire (probably). Perhaps it was slutty Chloe (definitely). But either way, a once-again-green Artemis muttered, "I feel si…sick…"

And threw up.

* * *

"Hmmmm…temperature's 99. Slightly above normal but nothing extraordinary. I'd allow him to go back to class once he's done throwing up," said the bored nurse as she informed Mrs. Fowl of Artemis's ailment.

Artemis sat, disgusted, in front of a toilet, ready to lean over if he felt more rising up. He couldn't believe this…well, it would get him out of school anyway. He didn't care about running after school anymore; it would wait until tomorrow.

"Sure, just come and pick him up as soon as possible," the nurse said, rolling her eyes. Mother's these days – they freaked about everything.

Artemis grinned.

His expression changed, however, as he quickly leaned forward over the toilet.

* * *

"My poor _baby!!_" Angeline whined upon entering the health center. "Are you okay? Artemis? Where are you?" She marched up to the counter where a lady was typing away at a computer.

"Looking for Artemis?" the nurse asked dryly.

"Yes. He's very sick, you know. He has a fever…"

"I know. I called you."

"Where is he?" Angeline demanded.

"He's in the bathroom, thro –"

"Where's the bathroom?" Angeline asked impatiently.

The nurse decided that since she had been cut off, it was her problem if the lady got thrown up on. "That way," she pointed.

Angeline walked off briskly. "Artyyyyyy…oh, Arty deaaarrrr…"

"Over here, Mother…" Artemis moaned.

"Oh, my poor – eeeeek!"

The nurse smiled, somewhat evilly

* * *

_Ring ring..._

Foaly sat miserably at his desk at home.

_Ring ring..._

Foaly sat there.

_Ring ring..._

Foaly sighed and picked it up. "Hello?" But he knew who it was.

"Hey, babe..." Caballine said softly into the phone.

Foaly rolled his eyes. "What do you want?"

"I...I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that I...well, kind of...replaced you. I didn't know you worked at the LEP!"

"Well now you do," Foaly muttered.

Caballine sighed. "Can I take you out to dinner tonight? You, me, candlelit dinner...there's this awesome new place that's supposed to have the _best_ carrot glazed -"

"Sorry, I think I'm busy, Caballine." Foaly had to cut her off before he found himself agreeing to go.

"Oh..." Caballine knew she was being rejected. "Come on, Foaly, don't be like this!" she pleaded. "I said I was sorry and I am, I meant it! But it's just for a week and then you have your job back..."

"I've been thinking too, Caballine..." Foaly said quietly, almost whispering. "And I think it would be best if we took a break from each other..."

Caballine gasped, and for a fleeting second Foaly was satisfied by the expression of hurting. "Are you breaking up with me?"

"Take a break, I said. Maybe later, after we -"

Suddenly Caballine was angry. "After we what, reassess our goals?" _Drat,_ Foaly thought, _how had she known?_ "You're just being selfish, Foaly! You'll come back to me after you get your job and stupid pride back! Can't you just accept that maybe you're not the center of the universe, and that sometimes you _will_ fall down? Then you just have to - you just have to - pick yourself up again!" she accusingly fumed.

Foaly was shocked into silence.

"Look. I'll give you three days to decide if you want me or not, but if I don't hear from you in that time then we're over. Not taking a break, but _over._" She paused. "Foaly, I..." Caballine sighed. "I really like you..." A genuine undercurrent of longing rang in her voice. "Please do the right thing. For both of us. Not just yourself."

She hung up.

Foaly's eyes were wide as he chewed a carrot thoughtfully. _Women._..he thought with awe.

* * *

fidelianlatte: hey artemis

artyboy369: hello

fidelianlatte: tibby's mad at you i think

artyboy369: and…?

fidelianlatte: and what?

artyboy369: what's wrong with that?

fidelianlatte: well…most people think you're a jerk now

artyboy369: why?

Artemis was curious, though struggling to remain nonchalant.

fidelianlatte: did you actually…have sex with chloe?

Artemis closed his eyes immediately after reading those words. He knew that if he opened them they would still be there on the screen, staring at him.

artyboy369: no.

* * *

artyboy369: why does everyone think that we had sex?

It killed Artemis to write that.

sxyponyprincezz: whaaaaaaaaaat they do? hahaha just jks

artyboy369: did you tell everyone that we did it?

sxyponyprincezz: they alrdy thot so

artyboy369: we're over.

It killed Artemis to write that (because of how cheesy it sounded) but that was all he really wanted to say.

* * *

ckontowderdon32: heard u and _chloe_ split

artyboy369: what? how?

ckontowderdon32: shez makin a scene

artyboy369: oh.

ckontowderdon32: -sigh- did u actually do it with her?

ckontowderdon32: because roxy and i were JKING when we said that stuff bout u and her…

artyboy369: of course we did not.

ckontowderdon32: u 2 were late to class…

artyboy369: I believe we were 'making out'.

ckontowderdon32: O.O ew.

artyboy369: what?

ckontowderdon32: itz just that shez disgusting. how could u?

artyboy369: i didn't really have a choice.

ckontowderdon32: suuuuuure.

ckontowderdon32: anyway, im mad at u.

artyboy369: I heard.

ckontowderdon32: tomorrowz ur last chance. don't blow it.

artyboy369: ill try –

Ckontowderdon32 has signed off.

Artemis sighed. Physical exertion, here he came.

Below, he heard Angeline whimpering. She was still trying to rinse her mouth out to rid the slight taste of bile from it.

He sighed. Were they really related?

Well…could popularity run in the blood?

**A/N: This chapter wasn't quite as funny but perhaps that's because I AM GOING INTO HIGH SCHOOL IN TWO DAYS. SOMEONE SHOOT ME!!!!**

**Props to littlegreenweirdo123, Ellemay, commix-freak, baby green eyes, FreakyD45663, tardyarty, Elizashizzle, scarily obsessed, Devouring Sarcasm Phantasm, Gun toten Girly, Little-Miss-Vamprechaun, the quintessence of wyrd, wingsgirl1313, sesshoumaruluva, Belle07, Incandescent Adolescent, paradisegurl101, and Turin resurrected (3x!)**

**Favorite review award: FreakyD45663 (hands gold lemon)**

**I love lemons…but I love reviews too. WE BROKE 118!!!!!!! THANKS EVERYONE!!!**


	9. Plunger Memories

**A/N: GODDDDD I'M SO SORRY. It has been forever since I've updated (well…kinda.) So basically…yeah. Sorry. I'm afraid that I turned off many reviewers with Chloe's sickening act. :P So very sorry for that, I must remember to keep her under control. But sometimes she just gets loose…-shakes head- Enjoy!****  
**

Artemis had begun to make a connection between school and parents. With school came responsibility and stress, thus making teenagers moody and tired once they got home. The parents, however, refused to believe that school could be more exhausting than their occupation, and so thus proceeded to engage in arguments with the daughter/son until they (in a last defense against their children's cutting logic) inevitably just punish them someway or another.

So after the school day (which included him running a mile, _again_, at Tibby's angry urging), he collapsed into the air-conditioned limo beside Butler and waved for home.

"Another day, Artemis?" asked Butler with a small smile.

Artemis looked at Butler. "Another day, old friend."

There was silence for a few moments. "Any new tormenting with Mr. Teacher…what's-his-name?"

Artemis smirked. "No, not today."

Butler nodded before looking out the window. Artemis glanced at him curiously. "What's on your mind?"

Butler eyed the floor. "Nothing."

Artemis narrowed his eyes. "Drop the false pretense, please, Butler."

Butler pressed the button that allowed their section of the limo to be soundproofed from the nosy driver (not to imply that he had a big nose although, curiously, he did).

Artemis raised an eyebrow.

Butler turned to Artemis, no trace of amusement apparent in the lines of his face. "Are you plotting anything, Artemis?" he said bluntly.

Artemis sized him up. The result was terrifying. "'Plotting' anything?"

Butler grunted. "Stop avoiding the subject. Plotting, planning, thinking, wondering, calculating. Are you or are you not?"

Artemis smiled. "Astounding, your vocabulary has almost doubled since a year ago!"

Butler narrowed his eyes. "Stop avoiding the subject, Artemis."

Artemis cocked his head. "Subject? Oh, you mean school? Which subject?"

Butler growled deep in his throat. "Are. You. Plotting. Anything."

Artemis sighed. He clasped his hands together contritely in his lap. "As a matter of fact, yes."

Butler's eyes widened. "What this ti-"

"Nothing large, nothing catastrophic. Just a Van Gogh that I believe is almost pricele –"

Butler slammed the seat with a fist, causing the car to sway slightly. "_Dammit,_ Artemis, why? That's how it's always going to be, isn't it. 'One more, one more, one more.' You _said_ you'd stop!" he said accusingly.

Artemis opened his mouth but was cut off.

"If it's going to be like this, an…an _addiction_, then I'm going to have to use force to put an end to it all."

Artemis blinked. "Stop it, Butler. I'm not a drugee, that's a horrible comparison. This is – this is important. I feel it has a connection to my family, some ancient history. The house in the background belonged to my ancestor…well, perhaps. But I simply _have_ to." Butler's face continued to cloud. "No, no, stop. It's not what you think. I have to know if they, m ancestors, dabbled in illegal dealings, and this house could be the clue, the key. I have to know if I can break the chain and 'come clean', as you might put it. If I'm different…or if I can be."

Butler softened, sensing that the teen was close to tears. "What will you do?' he asked quietly.

Artemis looked up at him, determination shining in his eyes. "I'm going to prepare for everything at the Country Club's golf course. Then I shall steal it from the house nearby, and I _swear_ that that shall be it. The end."

They both looked out the window, hoping that it would be that simple.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Hello, Mother…" Artemis said absentmindedly, walking up to his room. She was busy arranging the decoratory table in the atrium.

"Oh, Artemis! Thank God," she sighed. "I need you to clean the first downstairs bathroom. We're having Dr. Lipton over for dinner tonight, just as a little 'thank you!' dinner."

Artemis the genius had serious thoughts about letting his jaw drop. "Dr._Lipton?_" he hissed. "As in, the one who recommended _Jeffrey Middle_ to you? Mr. Tea Bag?"

Angeline breathed in relief. "Yes, I knew you'd remember him! You have so much to thank him for. New friends, new curriculum…new lifestyle, practically!"

Artemis rolled his eyes. Whoopee…"Will anyone else be joining us? Please inform me now, so it's not a surprise later on…"

"Well, I'm not sure, but I think President Strait will be coming too. He wasn't quite sure if he'd make it on the phone, but his board meeting could have been canceled."

Artemis moaned in frustration. What _next?_

Angeline frowned at him. "Don't start, please, Artemis. My day has been_so_ much harder than yours. I had to actually unload the dishwasher all because that stupid maid of ours had to have her _baby._ So what? Baby, shmaby! And the _dishwasher_, oh my _God._ Who invented those? I don't know, but I think we'll need a new one, ours must be old." She worked on placing fresh flowers in a vase.

"Mother," Artemis cut in dryly, "It's not even two months old."

"Artemis, do _not_ interrupt me when I am speaking. It took me almost an hour just to figure out how to open it, and then another half hour just to find a way to open it without ruining my French manicure. Then I had to use a ruler (which took forever to find) and even then I broke the dishwasher-opening-thingy anyway _and_ I chipped at least three nails!" Her voice rose to an altitude higher than Artemis would ever like to be at. "So _do not_ tell me how your life sucks, son, when I have _so_ many more problems than a _middle schooler._"

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Actually, Mother, I –"

Angeline lowered her head while raising a hand to stop him. "No, Arty, I think it's best if you do your homework. Just don't forget to do the bathroom. The first one, not the other four downstairs."

Artemis fumed silently while going up the steps. So _this_ was why all teenagers had conflicts with their parents. And how was he supposed to clean the bathroom? He could list all the chemicals in Windex and their positive and negative effects, but when it came to actually _applying_ the solution…well.

Then a thought struck him. He mused on it; it wouldn't be easy…rather, almost _difficult_…but if he succeeded…

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Juliet was sitting on her fluorescent pink beanbag in her room, enjoying a honey-dijon sandwhich along with a desperate struggle between Hairy Harry and Crusher Crabb. It was a re-run, but still…it never gets old, seeing fat men trying to jump on top of each other.

_"Awww, come on!" _she screamed at the large screen, plasma television. "What kind of a pin is that? A…a _lame_ one!"

_Knock knock knock_.

Juliet glared at the door. "Shut up Dom, there's a marathon on!"

Artemis took that as an invitation to enter. "Perhaps you've forgotten but my name actually descends from the goddess of hunting, not the inventor of the cupcake."

Juliet stared at him. "The guy who invented the cupcake was named 'Dom'?" she asked incredulously.

Artemis cracked up weakly. "Haha, fooled you!" he said with a forced smile.

Juliet raised an eyebrow.

Artemis stopped chuckling. "It was supposed to be a joke. Lessen the tension of the ro –"

Juliet started laughing. "_Hahahahaha,_ lessen the tension! Ohhhh, that's a good one…lessen the…ahahahaha…tension…oh God, Artemis, that's hilarious…" She fell onto the floor, still laughing.

Just then Butler walked in. "Juliet, Mrs. Fowl needs you – oh my." He turned to Artemis. "Did you say something that rhymed?"

Artemis nodded, dumbfounded.

Butler sighed. "She finds something hilarious in rhyming sentences." He turned to his sister. "You're to go down and fix the shrubs on the fences-" He stopped and sighed, realizing his mistake, just as Juliet began to laugh even harder than before. Her face was beginning to turn red and she shook more than ever.

Butler grunted and left. Artemis glared at the now on-the-edge-of-tears girl, kicking her legs in the air like a dying cockroach. "Sentences…fences…"

"Those don't even rhyme properly! The rhythm doesn't fit," Artemis said scathingly. "Now, to my business proposition…" But Juliet wasn't listening.

"Juliet…"

No response. Only giggling.

"It involves…"

Still no reaction.

"Money."

The pin fell.

She stopped laughing mid-chuckle and sat up straight. They eyed each other warily. "_Whose_ money?" she inquired slowly.

"Mine."

She grinned. "Things are looking – "

Artemis's eyes widened. "_No!"_ he cried as the word slipped off her tongue.

"_Sunny!"_ She began to delve into hysteria once again, rolling onto her back once more. Artemis groaned.

"Twenty."

Juliet sat right back up. "Fifty."

'Twenty."

"Forty-five."

"Twenty-five."

"Forty-five."

"Thirty."

"Forty."

"Thirty-five, final offer."

She hesitated for a second. "Thirty-eight."

"I'm walking away…"

_"NO WAIT DON'T GO I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT I –"_ She stopped as he didn't move; rather, a small smirk plastered itself over his mouth.

"You don't even know what you're doing this for, do you?" he commented smugly.

She eyed him. "For thirty-five, it can't be too bad…"

"Perhaps, but I've heard that you hate cleaning bathrooms."

Juliet stared at him. Then she narrowed her eyes until they were slits. "I will have my revenge on the Soft Scrub, Artemis. I swear to God, it is going down the drain this time in all of its white, foamy filth."

Artemis bowed solemnly in the way of the ancient Chinese (or present day Chinese salesmen). "Peace be with you on that endeavor."

Juliet returned the bow. "Your concern is appreciated but unnecessary." She lashed out in a warm-up kick, her foot centimeters from the boy's shocked face.

He quickly left the room.

"In good time his money will be mine…" She chuckled as she went off to prepare for the showdown: Juliet vs. Soft Scrub.

It made sense, really it did, Artemis's dislike for bathroom cleaning. He had an even better reason to hate it than she did; Juliet suspected he'd never fully recovered from the plunger incident.

Not many people appreciate their face being sucked off by a black circle meant to touch excrement.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

While Juliet set about cleaning the downstairs bathroom (his wallet slightly lighter), Artemis decided to go on iChat. It didn't take long for three different chats to pop up…

…

narcoticxfishxflyer: SAVE ME.

Artyboy369: Excuse me?

Narcoticxfishxflyer: chrissy is freaking out because her fugly boyfriend phil, wanna-be emo, is going to break up with her.

Artyboy369: How does that relate to me saving you?

Narcoticxfishxflyer: she is dumping everything on me and complaining incessantly.

Artyboy369: Okay…

…

polarbearpushpop: artemis! –cries-

Artyboy369: Who is "phil" and what is emo?

Polarbearpushpop: -- phil is going to be my ex soon because he is breaking up with me.

Artyboy369: You know this how…?

Polarbearpushpop: he has a little friend who can't keep his mouth shut.

Artyboy369: Oh. All right then.

Polarbearpushpop: O.O No comfort? Words of wisdom?

Artyboy369: I can't say I have experience in the field of boyfriends.

-polarbearpushpop has gone offline-

…

Ckontowderdon32: oh god. chrissyzz paranoid.

Artyboy369: She knows for _certain_ he's going to break up with her?

Ckontowderdon32: no. but she doesn't need a reason, shez irrationally chrissy.

Artyboy369: Oh. Do we have any clues as to when this will occur?

Ckontowderdon32: chrissy suspects tomorrow morning but i'm not sure.

Ckontowderdon32: she just told me that, fyi.

Artyboy369: What? She's offline…

Ckontowderdon32:…

Ckontowderdon32: HAHA. ;p she blooooocked youuuuuu…

Artyboy369: Am I supposed to care?

Ckontowderdon32: she'll be mad at you tomorrow for your 'lack of support'. or so she says.

Artyboy369: Okay then…

Ckontowderdon32: O.O –slaps-

Artyboy369:…did you just try to _slap_ me?

Ckontowderdon32: oh no, chico, I _did_. anyway, lolo, dinner…ttfn…

…

"_Artemiiiiis…our guests are here…"_ trilled Angeline from down below. Artemis shut down his computer and hurried downstairs.

His mother was at the door as a car screeched into the gravel driveway._"Why was Juliet doing the bathroom you were supposed to do?"_ she hissed into his ear.

Artemis didn't turn to her. "Homework," he murmured.

"Did you _pay_ her or something? The way she was attacking the Soft Scrub – "

Artemis swallowed a laugh. "Mother. Is that like me?" he asked, anticipating her response.

They locked eyes for a few moments before Angeline Fowl opened her mouth to reply. Just then the doorbell rang. She quickly shook herself straight again and opened the door, friendly smile shining bright on her face. "Dr Lipton! President Strait! How wonderful of you to join us for dinner…yes, come on in…"

Artemis suddenly felt like fainting, as if an invisible hand had grasped his head and shaken it at an alarming rate.

Perhaps Mother hadn't noticed, but the two men were_ holding hands._

Artemis acutely wondered why he had never picked up on any "gay" vibes, although the men's voices were certainly higher than the average male. Also, their fashion sense was almost as good as his ow –

Artemis's eyes widened.

**A/N: CLIFFHANGER (of sorts). GAY OR NOT? THIS IS A POLL PEOPLE. RESPOND IN A REVIEW. (AND don't have your decision based just on this story. Basically just gimme your opinion. XD)**

**Props tooooooo: FreakyD45663, tardyarty, paradisegurl101, sesshoumaruluva, Belle07, wingsgirl1313, the quintessence of wyrd, Devouring Sarcasm Phantasm, Catherine, Italiangurlinamessedupworld, Incandescent Adolescent, and Jordy rox ur sox. You guys are AWESOME.**

**Favorite Review Award: Italiangurlinamessedupworld (hands blue meanie) **

**If you don't know what a blue meanie is then you obviously don't know the Beatles very well, in which case you haven't lived. Shame on you. (PM me if you wanna chat about Across the Universe, one of my new favorite movies!!!)**

**And so you all thought I was forgetting about this story. Psh. Haters. ;p Anyway, sorry this chapter wasn't excruciatingly funny, it's kinda setting the stage. And sorry if I offended anyone out there about the whole "gay" joke that you can imagine is coming up. I'm not a hater. In fact, I did an anti-"that's so gay" speech in front of my whole grade (consisting of about 400 people). **

**Please review!**


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